15 Signs That You Need A New Job

12/19/13 2:06PM EST

15 Signs That You Need A New Job 15 Signs That You Need A New Job

20th Century Fox/Office Space

Nothing is worse than being somewhere you hate everyday. Waking with that dull heavy dread. The suffocating feeling that comes along with selling your life to some asshole who’s got your soul burning away under bright fluorescent lights while surrounded by a bogus corporate culture of contrived niceties and those just out of reach carrots dangling over your head. Shudder. Just thinking about it makes my body hurt. Now, I can’t tell you how to get a new job. It’s clearly not my forte. Though I do know a thing or two about quitting them. Strap in.

1. The First Word That Pops Into Your Head Every Morning Rhymes With “Puck”

You don’t have to pop out of bed all chipper skipper, but you also shouldn’t be using a level ten curse word as your personal morning mantra. “Puuuuck meeee!” 

2. You Use Coffee As An Antidepressant

After a while you start looking like the (season 1) Jesse from “Breaking Bad.” The up and down nature of a mega coffee rush isn’t the way to propel yourself through life. Same applies to Red Bull, Monster, and all that other crap. You’ll just end up having bad breath and a twitchy disposition.

3. Getting Panic Attacks At Work

Here’s your choices: Hit up a shrink and get the hookup on some benzo’s or stop and listen to your body. It’s trying to tell you something. Something along the lines of your nervous system being maxed out and time for some change.

4. Your Higher Ups Don’t Care What You Have To Say

15 Signs That You Need A New Job  15 Signs That You Need A New Job

New Line Cinema/Horrible Bosses

If you’re complaining about your smoke break not being long enough — then yea — I’d ignore you too. But, if you have some legitimate points to offer and your ideas are being poo pooed, start looking. Chances are the boss only needs you from the neck down.

5. You Fantasize About Bringing The Entire Organization Down From Within

Easy Neo. There’s no hacking the mainframe at Citibank.

6. Management Positions Are Hired “Outside” Of The Company

Not a good sign. Ideally you should be swimming around in the tank that they pull future bosses out of.

7. You Are Working Overtime And Not Being Compensated Or Rewarded

Some salary jobs require the occasional “extra” shift to get things done. Which is understandable. But don’t let them abuse it. Employers have a way of pushing you to the edge so they can gauge what they can get away with. Remember, this isn’t ancient Egypt. If you’re staying late then make sure to get something in return. Ask for some flex time or something.

8. You Are Being Treated Like A Child

“Yay, dress down day!” I can wear jeans! That shit was cool in catholic grade school, but as an adult we need something  better than that. Perhaps a (good) free lunch. Time off to spend a day with the family. Anything, besides some stupid permission to wear denim, or to huddle in the conference for a ShopRite sheet cake.

9. You Hate Everyone Around You

15 Signs That You Need A New Job 15 Signs That You Need A New Job

20th Century Fox/Office Space

Maybe it’s everybody, maybe it’s you. Either way you can’t be hating 24/7. That’s how you get ED.

10. You Sit On The Toilet Just To Get Away From Your Job

A shitty job can make a 5 x 8 bathroom stall seem like a tropical paradise. Sounds of moving water, exotic scents. The fake poop-break has definitely been a good friend to us all.

11. Fantasizing About Your Boss Being In A Terrible Accident Just To Break Up The Day

I used to entertain this one a lot. Kinda jacked up considering I worked for the family business…

12. Sitting In Your Car Before Going In To Work

You know you need to get out and start your day but you just can’t.

13. You’ve Considered Moving To Alaska

Farm your own food and warm your house with wood. Let’s live off the land, man! No more fax machines!

14. The Company Is Failing

No sense of going down with the ship when you’re not the captain.

15. Your Boss Takes Personal Problems Out On You

There’s a difference between getting chewed out because of a mistake and getting chewed out for just existing. Being someone’s whipping boy is no good!

That’s it! Now go back into the world and continue to be miserable. We all know you won’t do anything about it…