29 Angry Thoughts People Have While Walking Around New York City

5/5/14 2:33PM EST

29 Angry Thoughts People Have While Walking Around New York City 29 Angry Thoughts People Have While Walking Around New York City

HBO/Curb Your Enthusiasm

Bad weather, constant crowds, and low standards for living come together to form the perfect recipe for discontent on New York City streets. If you’ve ever rushed through these dirty, overcrowded pathways, you can surely relate to some of the following angry thoughts.

1. “Why Is This Person Walking So Slowly?”

Feeling trapped behind that one, sauntering asshole who clearly doesn’t understand what it’s like to be in a rush can become a tooth-grinding experience very quickly. Resist the urge to push him…

2. “People Need To Pick Up After Their Dogs.”

Do they want to step in poop? I don’t understand the logic unless they’re hankering for smelly sneakers.

3. “Single File, Please!”

People who travel in packs and clog up city sidewalks the length of a block…not cool.

4. “Can’t You Hold Your Umbrella A Little Higher?”

You know, so it doesn’t poke out my eyeball while I’m trying to pass your slow behind on the street?

5. “Why Do People Have Children in New York City?”

It’s dangerous, with all the cars whizzing by and pedestrians rushing around and dogs pooping everywhere! Factor in unpredictable, hyper children and the combination becomes just plain dangerous.

6. “Watch Out, Cabbie, People Are Walking, Here!”

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Maybe you appreciate the speed when you’re in the cab, but you’ll change your tune when a yellow automobile zig-zags onto the sidewalk, right where you were about to place your left foot.

7. “Pigeons Are the Rodents of the Sky.”

Honestly, I think they’re nearly as beautiful as their close relation, doves. That being said, they’re still all over the place swiping up your dropped chips, acting entitled, and possibly posing as the vectors of disease. On that note…

8. “Cover Your Dirty Mouth When You Cough!”

When the streets are extremely packed and you feel something wet on the back of your neck in conjunction with the noise of a sneeze, a dirty look over your shoulder does not suffice in expressing your discontent.

9. “Why Don’t People Throw Out Their Trash?”

As in, in trash cans. That’s what they’re there for, after all.

10. “Where Does That Dog Fit In Your Apartment?”

This dog probably weighs more than I do and has how many square feet to run around in your Manhattan apartment? Surely not enough.

11. “Why Aren’t All These People At Work?”

You should have free reign of these streets at 3pm on a Tuesday! What is everyone else doing out of their offices, as well?

12. “These Sidewalks Are Going to Kill Me.”

Between the subway grates and the uneven pavement, not breaking your neck on the way to work becomes an accomplishment.

13. “Why Are All These Homeless People Asking Me For Money?”

I can hardly pay rent! Give me a break! You’re probably thinking this when you at least you have a home, but NYC street thoughts of rage rarely prove logical.

14. “What Does That Guy Think He’s Wearing?”

A handlebar mustache and a shirt that says, “Love that ‘stache.” Really? What a douchebag.

15. “How Is That Guy Wearing A Suit In The Summertime?”

It’s eighty degrees and sticky outside, people! I get that you work on Wall Street and need to wear a suit to work, but it’s painful to watch you torturing yourself with weather-inappropriate clothing.

16. “There Are Too Many People In This City.”

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Can’t some of you guys move somewhere else? Hasn’t New York City jumped the shark yet in terms of being one of the most desirable places to live on Earth??

17. “Umbrellas Are Useless.”

They are, considering the wind tunnels created by skyscrapers. You’re better off wearing a hood. Or honestly just taking a cab, if you have the means. However…

18. “Of Course All the Cabs Disappear When It Rains.”

Yes, everyone would prefer to take a cab when it’s pouring outside. This is not a surprise, but a very disappointing reality.

19. “What Am I, A Lamppost?”

You ask this because seventeen, different people just bumped into you as if you were not a walking, breathing human but an inanimate object that cannot feel the pain of another person’s high heel on your toes.

20. “Why Does It Smell Like Wet Hair, Urine, And Gasoline?”

Because you’re walking through the streets of New York, obviously.

21. “How Important Could Her Destination Be, Anyway?”

She’s rushing past you like her tail is on fire. She should get over herself and realize her destination can’t be that worth sprinting to.

22. “Why Would People Ever Bother Sitting In this City Traffic?”

As you’re wading through the masses on foot…

23. “I Wonder If That Person Has Ever Bathed.”

With that amount of grease in his hair and the ungodly smell wafting from his pores, he can’t be soaping up that often.

24. “That’s It, I’m Moving To California.”

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The people there are supposedly happy, sunshiney beings who smile and greet strangers on the sidewalks. That being said…

25. “Stop Staring At Me, You Creep.”

Strange eye contact while you’re attempting to mind your own business at all costs never warrants a sunshiney, California-style greeting (or at least what some New Yorkers may imagine such a greeting to look like—they wouldn’t know).

26. “If That Guy Whistles At Me, I Will Murder Him.”

Chances are, he will whistle.

27. “That Person Better Not Be Trying to Sell Me Something.”

It’s a crappy pair of sunglasses that happen to be a poor Chanel knock-off. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?!

28. “Why Are These Avenues So Far Apart?”

Because some sadistic city planner made them that way, that’s why.

29. “People Don’t Notice Anything Around Them Anymore. They Should Really Stop And Smell The Fucking Roses Once In A While.”

Nope, just the sidewalk below and the small, slivers of gaps between people walking too slowly in front of them…

 
 
11 comments
Dashryder56
Dashryder56

I can't tell if this article is supposed to be satire....I sure to hell hope so because if it's serious this is really really bad.  All "List" articles are bad, but if this isn't satire this is the worst.  Not one of the things on the list apply to a wide range of people.  This is like some girl is angry and wrote all of the things she feels are her best traits when really just ignorant annoying things nobody takes seriously.


So it has to be satire, written by a girl who hates single women in NYC, because nothing is flattering in the list for single women above

MuscleCuisine
MuscleCuisine

as a New Yorker born and raised I have to say that this article makes me sick to my stomach..please never attempt to write again..This toxic cliche filth is a disgrace to this site. I'll be sure to avoid this rubbish in the future

ValHeartday
ValHeartday

Obviously the writer is just a spoiled brat. It comes across clear as day. Thank's for never again pretending to speak for a demographic you obviously know nothing about lady!

jhantho45
jhantho45

seriously,, who writes this crap??!

fireinthemountain
fireinthemountain

Whilst the ladies commenting are rightfully seeing this as revolting (and it is), as a man who is hoping to settle down I am glad someone sat down and wrote it all. Thank you Jessica. You spelled out exactly the sort of women a sane man should never marry!


jenny1991
jenny1991

As a career woman myself, I am disgusted by this article.  I climb the corporate ladder with dignity and class and I do not appreciate being vouched as a bitchy hoe who cares about money, looks, and sex.  In the REAL world, the most successful women happen to be married, have kids, and preach wisdom and kindness.  Many of my mentors have always been there for me and would never give me such advice as to "I don't need men" and that I should be able to tell the job of a man from the shirt that he wears.  They would encourage me to learn new things, always take on challenges, and help my community.


This is NOT how you should pay homage to a NYer woman.  The better of us do work hard and wear weapons on our feet. But just because we are stunningly beautiful and diligent does not make it OKAY for us to think that we should feel ENTITLED.  MEN CERTAINLY ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO SERVE US and VICE VERSA.


Instead, you should be writing about how some NY women (maybe NOT you) work hard to balance work, life, and everything in between... and how we still manage to care about our looks and try to make those around us happy.  We, as women, deserve some respect because we work hard on all spheres --- NOT because we can afford the glitz and the glam and as a result, don't need a man.  


Sabraha1
Sabraha1

The death of journalism.

ree10101
ree10101

@jenny1991  I agree with everything you wrote except for "the most successful women happen to be married, have kids..." Success comes in all different shapes and sizes. Being married and having kids do not have to be part of that equation. 

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