Does Going Down On Your Girlfriend Stop Her From Cheating? Evolutionary Psychologists Seem To Think So…

7/5/13 3:53PM EST

Does Going Down On Your Girlfriend Stop Her From Cheating2 Does Going Down On Your Girlfriend Stop Her From Cheating? Evolutionary Psychologists Seem To Think So...

A study found in the Journal Of Evolutionary Psychology claims the reason men go down on women is to prevent them from cheating.

Duh.

In order to help you better understand this study allow me to explain roughly and in my own words, exactly how “Evolutionary Psychology” works. It’s quite simple. All you have to do is pick a current behavior and then think of how it may have helped primitive humans in the past. For instance, “Why do women cheat?” Well, women who cheat are likely to encounter more sperm and therefore have a better chance at producing more offspring, thus propagating their genetics (and behaviors) far into the future. Finally, my “Pysch 101″ class doesn’t seem like such a waste of time…

And I’m not slamming evolutionary pyschology, either. I think it’s all pretty interesting. But, sometimes these type of thought exercises can go a bit far when people take them too literally. Take the study’s abstract for instance, it claims that, “among men who perform cunnilingus on their partner, those at greater risk of sperm competition are more likely to perform cunnilingus until their partner achieves orgasm.” Which in everyday speak translates into,”If your girl is surrounded by successful or good looking guys all day, then you are going to lick her clitoris like it’s delicious.” And that’s not all. It also had a second part to its abstract which purports that men used cunnilingus as a tool to help their partner achieve an orgasm which has been known to create a sort of “vacuum effect” in the woman’s vagina, thus pulling the sperm up closer to the egg. It did however admit that this was clearly not the case after conducting its research. Probably after finding that almost all of their 243 subjects were definitely not trying to swab the deck after sex.

Barf.

They also claim that men use oral sex as a means to avoid cuckoldry, which is the act of wasting time and resources on raising a kid that’s not genetically yours. Which leads me into thinking about this entire subject at a deeper level. Perhaps the whole act of performing cunnilingus is just some left over primitive sperm detector? Just to make sure that no other sperm is residing in your woman’s vagina, before you go ahead and bless her with your gifts. Which brings me to the most disturbing picture of cave-person sex that anyone has ever conjured. Or at least I hope.

Double barf.

I hate to say it, but I don’t really hold this study up as a beacon of light into the mysterious nature of female sexuality. However, I don’t think it’s a total waste of time, either. If this study shows us anything I’d say that it’s how we now, in our information charged super-cerebralized state, tend to over think and over analyze things that should just be simple mindless pleasures in our everyday lives.

So, next time you’re bringing the humidity to the little man in the boat, strike away the thoughts of some other cave man’s sperm and simply enjoy the moment. You’re doing a wonderful thing for your girl. And if you happen to get stuck, don’t forget the alphabet trick. It works every time.

And just in case you can’t get enough cunnilingus literature, check out Take It Downtown, which is yet another wonderful article from Wall Street Insanity that delves even deeper into the matter at hand…

 
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