screen shot via YouTube/Vas Alli

Got a fiancee? Take notes here, fellas. If you want to win her heart forever, dig around her parents’ attic until you find her childhood stuffed toy. Then, hold the bear hostage waiting for the perfect moment to unveil it. If she breaks your heart, then you destroy the bear in front of her in a ritualistic homicide. If it’s Christmas and you need to score some points, you wrap it up and give it to her as a gift. It’s the ultimate power play, and it surely got Vas Alli some play on Christmas when he re-united his fiancee, Jessica Crawford, with her long lost “Whitey.”

“I smelled it and knew exactly what it was!” They say the sense of smell provides a powerful link to memories. Apparently Jessica Crawford remembers the scent of her crusty ol’ bear like it was yesterday. Vas Alli found the destroyed bear tucked away in storage and took it to Secaucus Doll and Teddy Bear Hospital, and after a week, they were “able to restore him to his original glory.”

Joe Long

Joe has been to Cooperstown once, but never NYC. As a broke college student, it doesn’t look like that will change for a while. In the meantime, he will use his extensive couch-potato skills and Wall-Street outsider perspective to bring loyal readers small doses of insanity every day. In return, he fully expects every reader to mail him gold coins. So, get on that.

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