The Right And Wrong Reasons To Change For Your Woman

4/22/14 11:13AM EST

The Right And Wrong Reasons To Change For Your Woman The Right And Wrong Reasons To Change For Your Woman

Don Jon

This is the story of two guys I know. Let’s call them Jack and Jim so they don’t get on me about airing their dirty laundry in a public forum. Both of them have always been overall good guys—they have jobs, pay their taxes, love their mothers and all that—but of course they also have their faults, as do we all, right?

Jack is one of those guys that’s incredibly good-looking and became aware of this fact at an early age. He recognized the effect he had on women and used it to his advantage. The guy never had to work very hard at getting laid — it’s not that he never struck out, but he rarely left a bar alone. After a few drinks, he would scope out the hottest chick in the place, then go hit on her. If he succeeded, great, if not, that was fine too, he’d just work his way down from there. He’d eventually find a girl to go home with, and she was always pretty smoking. Not that we ever met any of them, and he only rarely saw them himself after a couple of days. Every once in a while, he’d even show us pictures on his phone of these busty dullards in various states of undress, and we would all smile and nod in an odd combination of jealousy and discomfort. The rest of our little circle naturally wished we had his success rate, but we also found him a little gross and slightly despicable. He just didn’t seem to have any morals about what it took to get a girl into bed, and even fewer when it came to getting rid of them afterwards.

And then he met Jill. Jill was a girl he knew from work, and he invited her to come out drinking with us a couple of times, at first under the guise of friendship, but it didn’t take long for it to turn into something more. She was far from the hottest girl he ever “dated” (and I use that term loosely), but she was the coolest and the smartest by a country mile. As Jack and Jill became a couple, we started to notice changes in him. He’d pull out Jill’s chair, hold the door open for her, and even when she wasn’t around, he no longer regaled us with his stories of his past sexual conquests and seemed to have a new found respect for women in general.

After a while, they took things to the next level and moved in together. I went to their housewarming party, and could hardly believe my eyes. Here’s a guy whose idea of cooking had never extended beyond ordering a pizza and picking up a six-pack, and now he’s making bacon-wrapped dates in the oven and pouring us glasses of some new scotch he’d discovered. He and Jill were largely inseparable at the party, walking around together and conversing as a team, holding hands and sharing secret smiles… all that shit. He was happier than I’d ever seen him and has only gotten happier since. He finally grew up, and it was unquestionably because Jill had entered his life.

Then there’s Jim. Jim was the polar opposite of Jack, and so is his part of the story. He’s not a bad-looking guy, but he was never in danger of gracing any magazine covers, and he was always absolutely terrified of women. We had to get him wasted and shame him into hitting on girls or he’d never make a move. He just didn’t have the confidence and lived in constant fear of rejection.

Well, he finally landed a girlfriend, whom I guess we’ll call Jane to keep this whole “J” thing going. Jane seemed all right at first. She was pretty, fun to hang out with, and we were just happy to see him with a girlfriend for once. But it wasn’t long before Jim dropped off the face of the Earth and started spending virtually all his time with her. A couple months went by before any of us saw him again, and when we did, he was… different. He had always been a T-shirt and jeans kind of guy, but now he was wearing trendy, designer duds and sporting a Hollywood haircut that clearly made him self-conscious and uncomfortable. Apparently, Jane had wanted him to “improve” his style, and he had succumbed. We made fun of him for his new look (as guys will do), but ultimately, it didn’t really bother us. But as the night wore on, we all noticed that his behavior was as odd as his clothes. Jim had always been pretty damn hilarious (even if his sense of humor was a little sophomoric), but he hadn’t said anything funny all night. He didn’t admit it at the time, but he told us later that Jane had asked him not to make so many of his “stupid jokes,” which she found childish, and he had been making a conscious effort to resist them.

Well, guess what? Even after getting a brand new wardrobe and toning down his comedic nature, she still ended up dumping him. The breakup was devastating to him because he had gone to such lengths to appease her, and he still wasn’t good enough. It was a long time before he would even entertain the idea of dating again and even longer before he reverted back to his old self, a little beaten down, but wiser.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that guys get hung up on the fact that we’re not supposed to change for the women in our lives. But like most things in life, it’s not as simple as all that. If you let your woman force you to change so that you fit her ideal model of what she perceives as the perfect mate, well, that’s not going to work because the changes don’t go below the surface. Jim may have looked and acted the part, but deep down, he was who he was, and that wasn’t enough for Jane, so she cut him loose. Jack, on the other hand, made a dramatic change because of Jill, but not because she told him to. She didn’t make demands or criticize anything about him, she inspired him to mature and broaden his horizons. Just by being who she was, he decided to make himself into the man he always wanted to become, but didn’t realize until he met her.

So the bottom line is that change isn’t a bad thing as long as it’s change you want to make. And most importantly, make sure that change is for your sake and not hers—because of her and not for her. Don’t get in the way of your own evolution just on principle. There are very few things in life that can be won by standing still.

 
 
35 comments
wimplo22
wimplo22

I think the overall article is innocuous and  basically right on, if a bit obvious (if you're an adult person); don't be mean, don't be condescending, use constructive criticism, etc, etc.  Based on a lot of the reaction it sounds like more people need that advice than I would have thought.

Guys, if you're with a girl that you feel you need (should) to treat like shit to keep her around then bounce her fast...she's damaged; if you're treating her like shit, you're an asshole and you need to unfuck yourself...you're damaged because you feel the need to degrade others to make yourself feel better.  Women, if you are with a guy that treats you like shit and you stay...you're damaged; break up and work on the old self-esteem, you deserve better...at least you need to believe you do...or you won't get it.


My only complaint was that men paying for all dinners is crap if you believe in gender equality.  In an adult relationship you share.  You can't be cool with gender roles when they're convenient and then claim that they're bullshit when they don't benefit you.

SarahKrafft
SarahKrafft

I agree with basically everything here as well as most of the ideas in the controversial post he made about men. Not a big deal people. It's a generalization, and if you would just calm down you would realize you have related to most of this, or you have been through a lot of failed relationships.

Crawn1ck
Crawn1ck

What the fuck? This is the most biased piece of shit article I've ever read. It's not only clear a woman wrote this, but it's clear she has negative feminist ideologies corrupting her mind. Chuck Henderson is obviously a pen name.


19 and 29 bother me the most. So the guy paying all the time is what constitutes his manliness? And she can comment on my body but I can't comment on hers??? What the fuck. You both should stay aesthetically appealing for each other. If she's allowed to comment on me, I can comment on her.

ShadowMonsta
ShadowMonsta

aaanndd I have concluded that  a female wrote this. XD

ChelseaMay
ChelseaMay

 I don't think this is the horrible piece of garbage people are making it out to be and some of these are clearly satirical.  I find it amusing so many men claim feminists are "touchy and hypersensitive" because many women will get upset when someone posts a satirical comic on treating a woman like shit but the moment a man posts something like this, they hit the ceiling.


The really sad thing is many of the men on here seem to equate being respectful towards your partner as being a "pussy."  I suppose a real man treats his woman like garbage, criticizes her, never admits he was wrong, doesn't listen to her or pay attention to her.  Because you're a MAN and you don't have to put up with that shit, right?  


I would never treat my man like that or even entertain the thought of staying with a guy who treated me like that.  It's about mutual respect.  What I don't like about this article is how it occasionally implies that men and women shouldn't be treated the same way (i.e., she can criticize your body shape but you can't criticize hers) even though the author appears to do this in an attempt at satire.  I wouldn't criticize my partner and he wouldn't criticize me - we're both functional adults who are perfectly capable of being responsible for our own health.  Etc.

killakolt
killakolt

this is retarded lol. its definitely written by a feminist who wants men to bend over and kiss every girls ass. not going to happen CUNT. plus if half that shit sets the writer off, she's a control freak psycho bitch who wants people to suck up to her cause she can't deal with people being real.

HarrisonHume
HarrisonHume

I like how half of those things aren't bad and most of those things depend on the person.

Buuuuuuullshit.

DMC505
DMC505

It is posts like this that give the word/movement feminist a bad connotation/reputation. We will never be seen as equals if people keep spewing this garbage. A couple should be able to speak honestly and freely with each other. As for the hurtful language, if you truly care for one another, those won't be part of the conversation. I am sick of these gender rolls for both men and women!

ShawnWM
ShawnWM

Geez  thank you to the oppressive feminist movement nice enough to tell us guys what to say to women.. do you want my list of what women could say to men?? lol...

How about this.. REMOVE yourselves from the pedestal you have chosen to hop up on and unplug head from butt and realize we are all equals and simply need to be treated with the same care and respect you would hope to be treated with yourself.. if that's not enough princess.. then go back to bed and await prince charming's kiss..  good luck.

vaalix
vaalix

Sounds like some dumb trendy feminist wrote this garbage.. Oh wait I guess it was some metro sexual guy who is pumped full of estrogen mimicking chemicals, which are coursing through his veins making him get in touch with his inner girl... No matter how hard the main stream media wants to pussify men, it just ain't happening chucky.. Maybe you should change your name to Charlotte.. Or Dorothy.. Cause you ain't in Kansas no more fool...

AdamJohnson2
AdamJohnson2

Somehow this accomplishes both trying to aspire to gender equality and gender roles. WTF?


NickSeemann
NickSeemann

A lot of these are really dumb, hypocritical and sexist.


So guys have to be completely self-confident but girls can bitch and whine about "OMG I'm so fat, omg blah blah girl angst" but if I guy ever feels down that's wrong?


Also it's 2014, shit has changed, women can pay for themselves or even treat their boyfriend to dinner from time to time. By insisting on paying for them all the time you imply they need you to survive and can't support themselves.


"She can criticize your body shape, hers is off-limits." Fuck that, both can constructively criticize each other in that regard. Like yeah neither should be like "Hey you look like a fat ass", but there are nice ways of saying hey I am less attracted to you because you aren't as healthy and fit anymore.


They don't want you to say no, and to always say "i'm sorry" and claim the fault, nopenopenope. Sorry but that would be denying my agency (that's a word feminists love to say), and I am not going to fold and claim fault for something when I know I am right.

isntnsync
isntnsync

This is a little sexist.. "She can criticize your body shape.. hers is off limits..". A lot of this list offended me as a woman. There are just things you shouldn't say to other PEOPLE not just a woman or your lover, like "have you gained weight?" (in most contexts) and no one should really call anyone else a cunt. Women understand the word no, and the majority of this list is just things not to say unless you're a dumbass or an asshole. This is not a man/woman thing. It's a humanity thing. Everyone is insecure sometimes, everyone needs attention, no one likes being insulted, everyone wants to finish during sex. A real woman with self esteem will not expect you to treat her better than she treats you. Relationships should be heavily based in trust and equality, not hiding your number of exes or treating her better than she treats you. If she calls you fat or insults you or asks you "are you going to eat all that?" dump the bitch. That's not a "stereotypical woman", and it's not just a bad girlfriend, it's a bad PERSON. 

PS I hope everyone here knows that Feminism is the belief that women should be treated as equals. Feminists do NOT believe women are better than men. Feminism is when a WOMAN reads "let your girlfriend treat you like shit but never do it to her unless you want to get dumped" and SHE is offended. That's unequal and mean, to sound naive.

NathanGRook
NathanGRook

This is honestly the dumbest list i've seen in a while.

sara_g
sara_g

#1 do you really think women don't understand the word "no"? If this bullshit is what you have learned from past dating experiences then I must assume you have only dated spoiled little girls and not women. If you switched the genders in this whole article men would be pretty offended.

kristinabergie
kristinabergie

#20: Oh hella you don't be referring to a woman as stupid. 

>rest of the list talks about how guys don't know shit. 

Hey dudes, just don't date insecure women with romanticized views of a relationship with unrealistic expectations. If you're going to ask her to marry you, for instance, she's probably aware of your past relationships and quite peaceful with them. Since that is something that should be apparent if you trust someone enough to marry them in the first place. 

Stupid articles pattering to whiney teenagers about their three month relationships and their problems. Adult women should really be above this garbage. 

cavin79
cavin79

Suckers!! An insecure girl will like most of this.  Be true and expect your woman to treat you the same way you want to be treated.  I don't want her to feed me bullshit just like I wouldn't feed her bullshit.  If you don't have that relationship with your woman, then you probably have the wrong woman.  Women want the TRUTH, not what some blog is telling you to tell her.  THANK GOD I finally have that woman that I can be 100% honest with and can expect the same in return! 

SebastianDanielLiu
SebastianDanielLiu

lol this articles terrible :P this advice is for men with no self respect who will bend over backwards to do anything a girl wants haha guys like that marry the first girl that will let him. Being cocky works way better and will land you a more laid back and fun to be around girl with a sense of humor 

Daktal420
Daktal420

Sorry Chuck Henderson, but this article is a flop. The advice you give is the same tired advice men have been handing down since your grandfather's day. Its the kind of advice you hear from the guy who has never been laid, never had a serious relationship, can't understand why assholes get the girl and swears that THIS is how he'd treat a girl if he had one.

ThomasJaworski
ThomasJaworski

Yea this is a terrible, sexist, pathetic article.  If women keep pushing like this they will never be treated equally.  This is the reason stereotypes and gender roles exist.

ag11600
ag11600

This is pathetic. You shouldn't be expected to pay for every meal. Relationships are give and take. And if you're the only one who's giving there's something wrong. Not to say that if she keeps offering and you pay anyway, that's fine. You don't want to be with a girl that expects you to pay for everything. That shits gonna get old real quick. 


Love how this was written by a man who has THAT much experience dating women he can come up with 30 things not to say, but only 5 to say. 


Quit coming up with bull shit lists that mean nothing and go contribute something to society, Chuck.

wimplo22
wimplo22

I love that men should always pay...so feminism is dead, right?  I think independent women should pay their fair share.

Cupcakecrusader
Cupcakecrusader

While this list may be a silly list for what men "shouldn't" say you going off with name calling is definitelynot alright. Man, woman, or other you should talk to other humans with respect. Calling anyone a cunt or a psycho bitch isn't "being real" its being rude.

sara_g
sara_g

I don't know many women named chuck but this is the exact opposite of what a feminist would write.

AllisonNichole
AllisonNichole

Aside from the terrific and most poignant point that feminism is actuallya movement to advocate for equality across sexes, which you ironically suggested as an alternative... You also seem to have mistakenly assumed that this article was written by a woman, which is not the case. If you're going to be hateful, at least make sure you're educated on the subject. You might find yourself with a newfound abundance of energy due to your lack of ear-smoking internet rage.

sara_g
sara_g

the feminist movement isn't meant to be oppressive but liberating for women. we don't spend our free time deciding what we hate most about men but how men and women- together - can move past limiting stereotypes and gender roles. the author of this article is a man and obviously not a feminist but he made men and women both look bad because most men wouldn't agree with this shit (I would assume) and I know most women would think this article is stupid.

SarahKrafft
SarahKrafft

@NickSeemann Not all women are as whiny or sensitive as you think.  Also, I've taken fault of an argument many times just to say I understand and keep the peace. When you're with someone long enough, and the conversation's been had before, it saves a lot of time and aggravation just to apologize.

SarahKrafft
SarahKrafft

@ZacharyStearns You can. Most of the time, women have sex as often as you like just to make sure you don't get it elsewhere. Women tend to savor the arousal and let it build for a while (even days) before the release. Hence foreplay. 

Cupcakecrusader
Cupcakecrusader

I completely agree with you. If a man feels like he can't be honest with his girlfriend without her getting super angry then he probably needs a new girlfriend. You should always be considerate when talking to your girlfriend but she should also be considerate to you. And no guy should have to have sex with a girl when he isn't in the mood. That was the least funny one on the list.

SarahKrafft
SarahKrafft

@cavin79 Thank goodness somebody appreciates honestly. Sometimes it's a curse.

SarahKrafft
SarahKrafft

@ag11600 I agree, I don't think men should be required to pay for everything. It sounds too much like prostitution. But then again, that;s why rich men get all the women. Inside of a gold digger, you will find a shy prostitute looking for one generous customer.

AllisonNichole
AllisonNichole

@Women_In_The_Kitchen I was practically in a blackout hormonal rage. It's like my throbbing uterus takes over all executive functioning. I also very much enjoy your advance  style of humor. With any luck, you'll continue to spread your delight whilst simultaneously remembering to breath.

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