What Would You Do If You Got Paid To Be An Asshole? Here Are 20 Hilarious Responses

6/10/14 3:32PM EST

What Would You Do If You Got Paid To Be An Asshole Here Are 20 Hilarious Responses What Would You Do If You Got Paid To Be An Asshole? Here Are 20 Hilarious Responses

Universal Pictures

What’s the purpose of life? What are we all doing here? How do I make the most of my time here?

These are the great questions mankind has been pondering for millions of years. And it is only with deep thought and introspection that we can hope to uncover the answers to the mysteries that have riddled our species for so long. Luckily for the millennial generation, there’s a gathering place made just for these hard-hitting life questions where any and all can convene to offer their thoughts. That place is AskRedditt.

Leave it to Reddittors to be the first to tackle life’s greatest questions. The wisest of all Internet experts, this group always digs deep when posed with a thought-provoking situation. So when asked, “If you got paid to be an asshole, what would you do?” —could you expect anything less than enlightening from this crowd of great thinkers? Here are some of the best responses:

Starting with clearly the most well-thought out…

I’d start my day off like most assholes by not using my blinker. Then, I’d randomly stop in the middle of the road to let my passenger out but not without yelling at them for 20 minutes about how they’re the assholes for making me let them out in the middle of the road. I’d go see a movie everyone has been waiting to see then start talking on my Bluetooth while making mouthing movements with my hand at the people who yelled at me. Then I’d stand outside the theater and describe the whole movie on said Bluetooth. I’d manipulate my coworkers into covering shifts for me, with no appreciation then refuse to cover their shifts while saying something snooty like “nah, I have plans.” Then I’d go to the closest ice cream shop and take my time sampling all the different ice creams while people waited patiently…then impatiently behind me but, after sampling everything at least once I’d leave. I’d ask people questions about their lives and when they start to answer I’d talk over them with answers about my life. I’d go to a highly rated restaurant and order something really expensive and complain about it over and over until after the third time they re-made my food (and I’m full, of course) I would exclaim that I am dissatisfied and won’t be returning- without paying or leaving a tip. I’d ask my only friend if I could borrow all of his Seasons of Game of Thrones, I wouldn’t watch it but, instead I’d give them to my unreliable crackhead cousin who I know would sell it for crack. Then I’d go to bed and not at all reflect on my day or how I negatively affected the people around me.”– shy_bitch

I’d make wheelchairs where one wheel is smaller so handicap people would just go in a circle or run into walls.”–bear_fu**er_frank

1) Open a glass repair business
2) Kill all competitors
3) Break every window in town
4) Repeat in every city in the world”–magoo00

Ask kids what they would wish upon a star for. I then would tell them that the stars are dead like their dreams.”–Tyman989

Shit all over everything. Isn’t that what assholes do?”–Shaloppy_Fish

I’m going to get a job at McDonald’s.
Customer: I’ll take a #1.
Me: Sir, please calm down, we will get you your Big Mac meal as soon as we can.
Customer: I AM calm, I just asked for a #1, that’s all.
Me: Sir, please calm down. We’re all trying to help you. It just takes time to make your sandwich. It will be right out.
Customer: I didn’t say anything rude, I’m being completely calm.
Me: Sir, if you can’t calm down, I will have to call the police. We will get your sandwich, there’s no reason to act out.
Customer: I AM FUCKING CALM.
Me: Sir. CALM DOWN RIGHT NOW.”–Anonnymush

Constantly slap stuff out of people’s hands. iPhone GONE, sandwich GONE, baby GONE”–adlikesepics

Haven’t seen the latest Game of Thrones yet? Let me have a lengthy spoiler-full discussion as loudly as I possibly could a cubicle over, for the whole office to hear!!”–tempal78

Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Yes your mum cheated. Yes your ass is huge. No your really not that interesting of a person. I don’t really like your dog, it’s loud.”–Honorable-ish

My job. I’m in tech support. I already get paid to be an ass.”–AskAGinger

“Putting LSD in food
Or selling laxative brownies (I actually did this one, I got a knife pulled on me, not fun but fun)”–Hoptadock

Drive exactly the speed limit in the left lane all day on a highway.”–worldfire

Go around telling people “You are now aware of how uncomfortable your tongue is” ‘You are now breathing manually’
I just did both of those to myself. Fuck.”–WhatLurksInTheDark

Print fake stickers to put over the push/pull signs on doors”–OpticalDelusion

Go to concerts just to yell ‘Freebird!’ between every song.”–grinningdeamon

Scout out house with married couple.
Figure out when the husband is likely to get home without the wife being there.
Break into house wait naked in bedroom
When husband gets home greet him as though you’re expecting the wife
Quickly and Sheepishly leave without explaining yourself.”–PM_ME_BAY_AREA_GIRLS

Do what my economics professor did and spoil the series finale of Breaking Bad to a lecture hall of 250 students the morning after the episode aired.”–caw747

I’d become a grocery store manager and force everyone to use self-checkout machines.”–notjawn

I’d unscrew the tops of all the salt shakers everywhere. I would swap the toothpaste and foot cream. I would stand behind corners and scare people all day long…”–m3lody

Step one : Buy Gorrilla Suit
Step Two: Gatecrash Random Weddings wearing Gorilla suit.
Step Three: when the priest asks is there anyone that objects to this wedding, stand up and object.
Step Four: throw bananas into the aisle as the happy couple walk down it”–grahampaige

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