These oftentimes elusive creatures who wear all black and give you dirty looks on the sidewalk are not as opaque as you might have imagined—but they are just as mean. In case you want to break past that tough exterior, here are a few things you should know about single New York City women:
1. Pounding Pavement In High Heels Takes Unfathomable Endurance
These ladies have way higher pain tolerances than your average human. Plus, they walk with two, built-in weapons on their feet.
2. They Make Their Own Money
Do not confuse them with kept women. They have high-powered jobs, and they do not need you.
3. They Carry Mace
Please do not approach a lone NYC woman after 2 AM. If she’s smart, she will be prepared to ward you off in a somewhat violent manner.
4. Their Bags Hold Everything You Will Ever Need
That tiny, designer bag hanging off her shoulder actually contains twenty tampons, thirty cough drops, tweezers, Band-Aids, all of her makeup, an extra pair of earrings, wet wipes, a cell phone charger, a backup wallet, breath mints…need I go on?
5. They Can Accomplish Any Task While Walking
If they needed to, they could change a baby’s diaper while crossing 5th Avenue.
6. They Do Like Money
This is kind of a requirement of living and living well in NYC. If not at least semi-interested in making and spending, these women wouldn’t live here (unless they’re social workers, in which case they would probably like more money).
7. You Can Trace Their Heritage Back To Anywhere
Make no assumptions. A woman who considers herself a “New Yorker” could still speak with a Slovakian accent. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t know the subway system like the back of her hand.
8. Clothing, Bags, And Jewelry Mean A Lot To Them
There are plenty of women in this fair city. You’ve got to stand out at a glance somehow, which means shining personalities take a backseat to the latest couture.
9. Bitchiness Comes With The Territory
Just try and start a verbal battle with a New York woman and see how long it takes before you’re covering up sobs by pretending to cough.
10. They Know All The Lines
Your most ingenious pickup line has been used on them approximately ten million times in approximately five million bars, clubs, and restaurants.
11. You Can’t Bullshit Them
Do not dare try to lie about where you went to school or how long you’ve lived in the city. These women double as human lie detectors.
12. They Can Tell Your Job by the Shirt You’re Wearing
In a city this full of people, they’ve learned to tell the difference between an investment banker and busboy who happens to be wearing a nice shirt.
13. They Will Judge You By How Much You Tip
15 percent means you will never see this New York woman again.
14. They’re Aggressive
If someone cuts in front of you guys in line at the movie theater, they will never hear the end of it (and will likely move to their rightful place at the back).
15. They’re Jaded
You will jump through hoops trying to impress a New York woman, and she will still yawn over your specialty appetizers at a five-star restaurant to let you know that this place used to be much more innovative in the nineties.
16. They Are Socially Particular
They cannot be seen in public with just any old individual, so keep your friend Rick who only owns one t-shirt at home when you meet her on the town.
17. Being A “New Yorker” Is Central To Their Identity
Even if they’re from Kalamazoo, try not to remind them of this in order to remain in their favor.
18. They’re Total Snobs
In terms of directions, restaurants, neighborhoods…you name it, they have a pretty strong opinion on it—and it’s more correct than yours.
19. They’re “Promiscuous”
If their sex life didn’t begin ten years earlier than the first time you copped a feel, they’ve at least made up for it during their exploits in the city.
20. They’re Twice As Smart As You Are
Statistically speaking, they have to be in order to hold the same jobs and afford comparable apartments in a historically male-favoring job market in one of the toughest cities in the world.