What Happened To All The Good Men In NYC?

2/21/14 1:53PM EST

I don’t know about you, but I’ve recently noticed this particular question come up whenever I find myself surrounded by a group of NYC females: Why are there no good men left in this city? The same answers get thrown around. They are here, we’re just going to the wrong bars. All of my hot coworkers are married. I guess I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe I’m just too damn ugly. And then the whining really commences.

There’s no reason for perfectly smart and attractive women to blame themselves for a lack of “good men.” Here are some ideas my lady friends and I have come up with to explain this city’s serious man void.

There are too many girls in New York. Think about it. Remember the last time you were in a bar (save Midtown happy hour during the work week) and you looked around? How many women did you see occupying those bar stools, and how many men? Maybe because I’m a woman I tend to notice the competition, but seriously, the room is always bursting with sexy ladies just waiting for you to buy them a drink. With all those thin, heel-wearing, immaculately makeup-ed women around, you men tend to get just a teensy bit cocky (no pun intended?). You get your pick of the litter; we get…the runt. Or another cocky asshole who has gotten way too used to picking up nines even though he’s a solid six.

Speaking of assholes, it seems more and more like only douchebags move to New York City. Why is this the case? Because the sorts of men whom the city attracts come for the following reasons: to make more money, to live somewhere where they don’t have to ever move in order to feed, and to live in a city with lots of hot chicks everywhere. If they don’t come for these reasons, then they stay for them, making what were once good men smoothly transition into greedy, lazy womanizers.

My friend’s boyfriend of over a year recently moved all the way from Santa Barbara to NYC to be with her. Her big mistake—allowing him to move in during fashion week. It didn’t take long for this guy to start turning his head at every model who brushed past him on those crowded streets. He quickly moved from head-turning to staying out all night and covering with patchy excuses the next day. I mean, what heterosexual, grown males regularly have sleepovers with other men in their one-room apartments?

Beyond that, this guy had loved to exercise. Hiking in the constant sunny weather out West had been his passion, but in New York, he took to sitting on his ass, insisting that working out indoors “wasn’t his thing” and neglecting to get up and go grocery shopping if he wanted food. Delivery became his new hobby when he wasn’t out drinking and chasing tail. Their relationship in the city lasted almost two months.

Plenty of couples do survive the city. Not only do they survive, they end up thriving financially. What’s cheaper than a one-bedroom apartment in New York for one person? The same deal for two people… who feel comfortable sharing a bedroom/don’t have to convert the living room into the kind of second bedroom that leaves a chronic masturbator in constant fear.

What I’m getting at, here, is the true location of the remaining “good men” in NYC. They exist, but they share a bedroom with the lucky women who got to ‘em first. The guys who leave the comfort of their apartments to go grocery shopping already ran into approximately five thousand sexy women between their place and the Trader Joe’s in Union Square, one of whom was savvy enough to take that opportunity to notice a guy carrying grocery bags and start making conversation about the kind of apples he’s purchased. Whatever it was (“I hear Fuji apples are particularly juicy this season!”), it got her noticed and got him domesticated.

That brings up another surefire way to turn a good guy into a bad guy in NYC. Send a dude with a girlfriend out into the throngs of women. The competition between women seeking nice guys will tip the balance in his favor, and soon he’ll be having plenty of suspicious “male sleepovers.”

Oh, and all the thus far unaccounted for good men are—you guessed it—gay.

 
 
11 comments
Dashryder56
Dashryder56

I can't tell if this article is supposed to be satire....I sure to hell hope so because if it's serious this is really really bad.  All "List" articles are bad, but if this isn't satire this is the worst.  Not one of the things on the list apply to a wide range of people.  This is like some girl is angry and wrote all of the things she feels are her best traits when really just ignorant annoying things nobody takes seriously.


So it has to be satire, written by a girl who hates single women in NYC, because nothing is flattering in the list for single women above

MuscleCuisine
MuscleCuisine

as a New Yorker born and raised I have to say that this article makes me sick to my stomach..please never attempt to write again..This toxic cliche filth is a disgrace to this site. I'll be sure to avoid this rubbish in the future

ValHeartday
ValHeartday

Obviously the writer is just a spoiled brat. It comes across clear as day. Thank's for never again pretending to speak for a demographic you obviously know nothing about lady!

jhantho45
jhantho45

seriously,, who writes this crap??!

fireinthemountain
fireinthemountain

Whilst the ladies commenting are rightfully seeing this as revolting (and it is), as a man who is hoping to settle down I am glad someone sat down and wrote it all. Thank you Jessica. You spelled out exactly the sort of women a sane man should never marry!


jenny1991
jenny1991

As a career woman myself, I am disgusted by this article.  I climb the corporate ladder with dignity and class and I do not appreciate being vouched as a bitchy hoe who cares about money, looks, and sex.  In the REAL world, the most successful women happen to be married, have kids, and preach wisdom and kindness.  Many of my mentors have always been there for me and would never give me such advice as to "I don't need men" and that I should be able to tell the job of a man from the shirt that he wears.  They would encourage me to learn new things, always take on challenges, and help my community.


This is NOT how you should pay homage to a NYer woman.  The better of us do work hard and wear weapons on our feet. But just because we are stunningly beautiful and diligent does not make it OKAY for us to think that we should feel ENTITLED.  MEN CERTAINLY ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO SERVE US and VICE VERSA.


Instead, you should be writing about how some NY women (maybe NOT you) work hard to balance work, life, and everything in between... and how we still manage to care about our looks and try to make those around us happy.  We, as women, deserve some respect because we work hard on all spheres --- NOT because we can afford the glitz and the glam and as a result, don't need a man.  


Sabraha1
Sabraha1

The death of journalism.

ree10101
ree10101

@jenny1991  I agree with everything you wrote except for "the most successful women happen to be married, have kids..." Success comes in all different shapes and sizes. Being married and having kids do not have to be part of that equation. 

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