12 Ridiculously Unnecessary Christmas Gift Ideas For 2014
Giving people things they don’t need is a time-honored holiday tradition. It just wouldn’t be the gift-giving season without things like musical stuffed snowmen, ugly neckties and strange kitchen contraptions that will either be immediately returned or immediately hidden in the basement or attic for the next eight years. However, this wonderful year of 2014 offers so many more options for unnecessary Christmas presents. Still haven’t finished your shopping? Spark your creativity with this list of items that absolutely no one needs!
1. Chia Willie
It’s not just a Chia Pet; it’s also Willie Robertson from “Duck Dynasty.” You can grow chia hair on top of his head and a chia beard on his face. Sit back and relax, because after buying half a dozen of these for your loved ones, you are totally done with your holiday shopping.
2. Candy Poop
Perhaps chia pets and chia heads just aren’t the kind of thing your family and friends are into. If that’s the case, Susan Olsen (also known as Cindy from “The Brady Bunch”) is here to help. After getting involved in animal rescue a few years ago and making these gag gifts for her fellow rescue workers, she’s selling Candy Crap online. “I… have decided to share my poo with the world,” she writes on her website. They’re perfect for the animal lover in your life who doesn’t mind eating chocolate that looks exactly like poop.
3. Farting Elf Butt Pillow
Maybe it’s unfair to criticize a product that comes from a site called Stupid.com, but this elf butt pillow is just so unnecessary. It’s not even an entire elf; it’s just a weird leg/butt combo with no head, arms or torso. It’s a disembodied buttcrack that dispenses fart noises… and it’s also a pillow. Is it intended for pranksters? For elf lovers? For holiday decorators who also like fart noises? For people who need more pillows, and also need them to be shaped like buttcracks? I’m stumped as to this product’s target audience.
4. The Moguard
What man wouldn’t be thrilled to get the Moguard for Christmas? It turns your beer glasses into a mustachioed sippy cup and prevents mustaches from suffering the indignity of beer foam. No one could possibly look silly drinking from a glass with the Moguard attached to it.
5. Runny Nose Shower Gel Dispenser
The Gifts for Men knows what men want: giant disembodied noses that they can mount in their shower to hold shower gel or body wash. Liquids are stored within the nostril, according to the product site; they’re dispensed with an easy push, creating the satisfying illusion that the giant nose is dripping large quantities of snot.
6. Dog T-Shirt
This isn’t just any dog T-shirt; it’s a sassy dog T-shirt. For the dog that has everything and just wants to declare its awesomeness — or the pet owner that has everything and wants to inform the world that his or her dog is awesome and they need to just deal with that — this shirt will certainly fulfill either of those functions. And it’s only $19.99, so when the disgruntled dog attempts to eat the T-shirt after being forcibly stuffed into it, you can rest easy knowing that you didn’t pay that much for it.
7. Bacon Necktie
It’s the ultimate in silly ties: the Bacon Strip Necktie. This polyester beauty was made to be thrown into the back of closets and never worn — unless you know someone who’s both a diehard bacon and silly necktie enthusiast.
8. Musical Wine Glasses
At last — musical wine glasses with sandblasted fill lines. No longer will your guests have to embarrass themselves by trying to play an opera on your wineglasses and hitting the wrong note. No longer will you struggle with correct liquid levels. No longer will people pick up your wine glasses and ask, “But how do I play a B sharp?” Ask for these wine glasses for Christmas and all your musical glass concerns will vanish.
9. Bacon Lip Balm
Mmm… lip balm that tastes like bacon. Now everyone can experience the joy of having their lips taste like salty fried breakfast meat all day, every day. If you like the taste of bacon, you’ll probably lick it all off within half an hour, thereby defeating the purpose of using lip balm and probably making your lips even more chapped. If you don’t like bacon, you’ll have no interest in this at all.
10. Mitten Flask
These “cozy, fleece-lined mittens” include a 3-oz. flask complete with spill-proof bite valve in one of the thumbs, so instead of allowing people to see you drinking in public — say, from a water bottle or something similarly unobtrusive — you can instead be seen wearing mittens and sucking your thumb. “It’s a great gift for the fun loving outdoor enthusiast in your life,” says PerpetualKid.com, probably while chugging from its own mitten flask.
11. The FartZooka
This isn’t just any old whoopee cushion or fart machine; it’s a plastic gun that makes fart noises. “Blast away with this super sensational FartZooka. Simply move the plunger in and out and the most audacious farts explode out of the barrel. It’s a riot,” says the manufacturer. Since there’s basically no way this fart gun can be used without being seen, it’s kind of a perplexing item. Fart emitters need to be hidden so as to confuse and irritate people; this gun just lets it all hang out, serving no purpose at all except making fart noises that are obviously fake. What happened to the integrity of the fart machine industry?
12. Sneaker Socks
You know, just in case you want to play a hilarious prank on someone by pretending that you’re wearing sneakers… but you’re actually wearing socks! Or maybe you want to get these socks for someone who’s so fashionable that they wear sneaker-patterned socks underneath their sneakers. Nothing says, “I didn’t know what to get you and I put no thought into this gift” like a nice pair of novelty socks.