As the New Year approaches, the scramble to attend the right New Years party grows increasingly serious. You have to exit the old year with a bang, right? And that bang should probably include a live DJ, thousands of sweaty strangers, a somewhat significant expense (to prove in advance you’ll be getting a high-quality time), and not a single complimentary drink.

If that’s what you’re aiming for, who to kiss at midnight is the least of your worries. Hopefully the following list will help you stay away from the kind of New Years Eve parties you will be sure to regret spending time and money on.

1. Anything That Advertises Moby As The DJ

Parties like these will probably take place in a warehouse filled with halfhearted art installations that look much better on the Internet than they do in real life. It will cost nearly $100 to attend and…Moby? Really?

2. New Years Eve Booze Cruise

Though a terrifying notion, these do exist. Please keep yourself from succumbing to seasickness while trapped with a bunch of strangers who will all be puking by midnight to compensate for the horrible time. Also, depending on where you are, it will be too cold to rise above deck.

3. Your Ex-Girlfriend’s House Party

It may seem like the perfect time to make amends and tell her how much it means that she has invited you back into her life, but trust me, you will end up depressed as you watch her smooch her now boyfriend at midnight before she walks in on you fucking her best friend for revenge.

4. Anything That Advertises An Open Bar But Has A $200 Cover

This is an obvious trick. It’s just making you pay in advance for an array of drinks you cannot possibly consume safely in under four hours (do you really want to stay at this crowded club longer than that?). Also, open bar means cheap, gross alcohol. Basically, you’re dropping a couple hundred bucks to get poisoned.

5. A Huge Party That This Really Hot Girl You’ve Been Admiring Told You She’s Probably Going To

You will not find her there. And if she did not invite you directly, she probably doesn’t want you to find her there. Disappointment in this situation is inevitable.

6. Anything In Times Square

Does this require an explanation? It’s freezing cold and they don’t even let you leave to go to the bathroom once you’ve made it in to watch the ball drop.

7. Parties That Advertise Different Levels Of VIP

What kind of bullshit is this? For thirty extra bucks you morph from Ultra VIP to Platinum VIP, the difference being whether you get champagne or vodka as a party of two. Read: Douche City.

8. The Party That’s Advertised Everywhere

From lampposts to street tags to Internet banners, the promoters for this party have gone way over the top. You know why? Because this party is destined to suck.

9. Theme Parties

You have to dress up like your favorite superhero in order to attend this event? I’m sorry, but Halloween was a few months ago.

10. Anything Requiring Exercise

Yes, this is the time of the year when we vow to live healthier, drink less, exercise, etc. But the whole point of New Years is to get out all those negative urges before we commit to our shiny new lifestyles. The Central Park midnight run, for example, strikes me as more work than celebration.

11. Concerts By Legendary Artists Who’ve Gotten Past Their Prime

Hearing Bob Dylan barely rasp-talk his songs or witnessing Liza Minelli almost break a hip will serve as a depressing reminder of the progression of time each New Year marks…

12. Or Concerts By Jam Bands

You might enjoy this if you are a hippy who spent your college years in Vermont, but otherwise this mood does not quite fit the exuberance and glamour New Years Eve is all about.

13. Parties That Start Off As Potlucks

This indicates from the get-go that your host is too cheap to provide you with champagne to drink as the ball drops. Also, there’s no worse way to start the New Year than with food poisoning from a stranger’s suspicious lasagna.

14. Your Girlfriend’s Best Friend’s Idea

You promised your girlfriend you would spend the New Year with her, but when her over-enthusiastic best friend hijacks the plans and ends up organizing an elaborate evening that starts at her favorite sushi karaoke joint and ends up with “the best view of Times Square,” you will wish you’d hung out with your buddies, instead.

15. Bar Crawls

The crowds on this night will make you feel like you’ve signed up to experience the cities’ longest lines rather than its most festive bars.

16. Any Kind Of Reunion Party

It might seem like fun to meet up with all of your old high school buddies on this night of nights, but you risk learning just how little you now have in common… Then after you all get drunk, Donnie reveals the secret he’s been harboring for years and Mark discloses that his ex took all the money in their divorce and he really needs your guys’ help, like in the old days…

17. Parties With A Religious Bent

Whether it’s your very conservative Catholic friend throwing a bash or a larger party hosted by serious yogi types who believe meditation is the key to serene entry into 2014, you will not want anyone moralizing to you this evening.

18. New Years Eve Dinners

That restaurant you can go to any day of the week without a steep cover charge is now charging you one hundred bucks just to sit down because even more people than usual will be vying for their pizza. This hardly makes sense. Just make normal dinner reservations if that’s what you want to do.

19. Especially Those At Themed Restaurants…

…like Planet Hollywood or Jekyll and Hyde. They food will be worse, the atmosphere cornier, and the likelihood of children present higher.

20. The Pity Party

So your girlfriend just dumped you and all of your friends are either busy or seem to have really lame plans. It’s probably best to just curl up on your couch and drink beer until you drift off to sleep before the ball drops, waking up the next morning with no memory of midnight but plenty of drool dripping into the half-full beer can still in your hand. Do not succumb to this urge!! You will end up feeling worse on New Years day than you did when you decided to spend the previous night unproductive and alone.