First dates can be intimidating. I mean, you’re only trying to make a lasting impression on a total stranger with whom you’re attempting to have sex or even spend a significant portion of your life, right? Not only will all of your words and actions be over-analyzed by your date, but they will also be under the scrutiny of her friends who will run the idea of “you” under their own high-powered microscopes, fueled by wine and failed relationships. Here’s a bit of advice to help you through:

1. I’m Living With My Parents To Save Some Money

Stack that money up, son. Just don’t expect the ladies to be lining up at your parents doorstep for a thrilling night of quiet sex in your race-car bed set. You might just want to score a *LHSGF for the time being.  (*legal high-school girlfriend)

2. I’m Taking Time Off To Find Myself

Don’t get fooled by those indie coming-of-age films you’ve been watching. You’re not just gonna kick around some small town for a while until one day when you have this huge epiphany that leads to an awesome job, a hot girlfriend and a renewed friendship with Michael Cera. Instead, you’ll end up in your parents basement with a bunch of unfinished screen plays and half-formed inventions, spending your last dollar on a webcam session so you can watch a young Filipino woman peeing on saran wrap.

3. I’m A Recovering Drug Addict

No one wants to hear about your little rendezvous with Percocets after the big skiing accident. Some things are better left as skeletons in the closet.

4. I’m Still Upset About My Ex

That’s a shame since she’s probably boning some other guy (and loving it) as we speak. Get over it. Even the most kindhearted of babes is throwing up in her mouth a little as you utter these words from your stupid lips.

5. I’m Still Friends With My Ex

Good for you. Except now this girl is thinking how you’ve got yourself a little secret fuckbuddy. Keep your old faithful up your sleeve, man!

6. I’ve Just Been A Bit Down In The Dumps Lately

Women have their own out-of-control hormone and mood-swing problems. What makes you think they want to take on yours?

7. I Think I’m Just Gonna Have Some Appetizers

There’s a reason people say they are “going out to dinner” and not “going out to appetizers.” You might think you’re being slick but she sees right through you, cheapo.

8. Do You Have Any Drink Specials?

Cheap, cheap, cheap. Is the $2 you’re saving really worth risking the potential post-dessert blowjob that could possibly ensue?

9. Should We Split The Bill?

Congratulations. You may as well have just rolled a huge boulder in front of her vagina. One which will never be removed unless you quickly say, “Kidding!” and pay for the meal like you should.

10. I’ve Had Sex With (enter number#) People

This is tricky, mainly because this is usually in response to a question women ask. I give full permission to lie your ass off on this. Besides, it’s none of her business. Tell her how you’ve had a couple flings but didn’t like the lack of meaning. Just make sure you keep a straight face when you say it.

11. Any Questions About Her Ex

Either he dumped her, or she dumped him. In both cases she probably doesn’t want to talk about it. Plus, it just makes you look like a noodle for asking.

12. Complain About Your Bills

I’m not saying women are all gold diggers. They’re not. But, even the most independent of women enjoys a break from her bills every now and again. Especially if she finds herself in a jam. Don’t believe me? Ask Beyonce. (she’s so hot right now!) You complaining about your stupid Verizon bill tells her this will never happen.

13. Brag About Your High Position At Work

If she had a nickel for every time some blowhard bragged about ballin’, she’d be living on a yacht off the southern coast of France. Actions speak louder than words. Order an expensive bottle of wine or win that sledgehammer game at the carnival. Don’t just sit there and pet your balls. Show her you’re the man.

14. I Play A Lot Of Video Games

Unless this chick is wearing a Nintendo T-shirt, don’t you dare. I know they’re awesome. I know. I love them, too. But until Channing Tatum stars in a movie about love and video games, we’re just gonna have to tuck this one away next to our disgusting porn habits.

15. I Hate My Job

Follow my logic. People who outwardly hate their jobs tend to get fired. People who get fired tend to not have jobs. Women tend to not like guys without jobs.

16. I Used To Be Captain Of The High-School Football Team

Easy Uncle Rico. Nothing screams “stuck in the past” like high-school sports stories. Women gain nothing from your past, so talk about your future and all the good things to come.

17. You Know What The Problem With This Country Is? (Enter racial group here)

Nobody, including your date, wants to hear you recant the twisted lessons your retarded grand-pappy gave you about race mixin’ or anything of the sort. It’s 2013. Get with the times.

18. Your Religious Views

If religion is a deal breaker, you should probably be on Christiansmingle or Jdate. On the flip side, don’t trash religious beliefs either. I’ve put my foot in my mouth way too many times with this.

19. Family Issues

Seriously now. We all have that second cousin who robbed a pizza man with a baseball bat to feed his heroin addiction. Right? Oh, stop judging.

20. We Should Go Back To My Place After This

Not only does this offend her integrity, but you also gotta think — being a girl is scary. Imagine walking around knowing you possess the most valuable and sought-after resource in the world and being surrounded by people who are A) stronger than you and B) obsessed with said resource. Sounds fucked, but it’s reality. You’re a stranger to her. Focus on making her feel comfortable.

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