Maybe it’s because our boss is a sadistic perfectionist, maybe it’s because we’ve found a higher paying opportunity at our dream company, but regardless of the reason, we have to master one, crucial move before pursuing our bliss—we have to quit our current job. Here’s how to make this uncomfortable process go as smoothly as possible:

1. Convince Them They’re Letting You Go

“I’m sure you’ll find someone who is twice as good at this job as I am, and they definitely won’t mess up that data report like I did from last month, right…?” Accompany this speech with a wink and nudge, and you’re golden.

2. Say Individual Farewells To All Employees

Remember to thank Tony for the pencil sharpener he leant you several months ago (and maybe even take the opportunity to return it), pat Rita on the back and joke about how you’ll miss seeing her at the vending machine, etc., etc., until everyone there will nod their hands and smile vaguely when they remember your time at the office.

3. Queen Wave on Your Way Out the Door

Always a graceful gesture, the slow wave will maintain your dignity as well as that of everyone else who witnesses it.

4. Don’t Clog the Toilet on Your Last Day

That’s just rude. Worst comes to worst, own up to it and make it the joke your office will fondly reminisce about in connection to your departure.

5. Leave Behind Your Excess Office Supplies

Everyone appreciates extra pens, and you’ll look like desperate if you meticulously swipe up every company-emblazoned item on your desk.

6. Provide A Valid Explanation

Say you found a better opportunity (code for: they’re paying you more). If it’s closer to your home, mention that, too; just don’t say you felt like leaving because, eh, you were bored and Carl who sits next to you smells.

7. Create A Death In The Family

What a classic way to display your need to go on hiatus for…ever. Just beware of the bad karma that could follow…

8. Write An Articulate, Apologetic Email

Conveying kindness through complex language makes it sound all the kinder, especially when no one’s there to question you as they read your case.

9. Leave with A Firm, Parting Handshake

It’s what they tell you to do upon entering a job, why wouldn’t it carry over to your exit?

10. Look Good The Day You Leave

If you look like shit they’ll think you lied about the fancy, new job you’re stepping into.

11. Keep Your Relief To Yourself

Cheering audibly as you strut out the door will do nothing but dampen the self-esteem of your coworkers.

12. Don’t Gloat About Your New Job

Or if you do, at least end with something like, “But that’s nothing compared to the coffee Jimmy makes every morning here, right?!”

13. Shed One Tear

Just one. To show that you feel but are not tacky enough to sob.

14. Don’t Plan Your Own Farewell Party

Not much is more pathetic than hanging a banner with your own name on it.

15. Don’t Leave Your New Business Card For Your Old Coworkers

This seems like it would be rude to do right away, but when you run into Ted two weeks later at your old Midtown haunt, definitely stash that card in your hand for your parting handshake.

16. Make Sure to Give Two Weeks Notice

If you don’t know this rule, you must go more by the storming out and flipping off method.

17. Use the Word “Opportunity” in Your Quitting Speech

Whether you thank your boss for the opportunity or tell her you’ve found another opportunity you feel you must take advantage of, the word will make everything less personal and more professional, in a good way.

18. Set Up a Specific Meeting In Which You Quit

Email your boss that you need to talk about something rather than unexpectedly throwing out your resignation. This way you’ll at least get a positive recommendation to use in future job searches.

19. Give Your Team Advance Notice

If you have a few people with whom you work especially closely, don’t spring your departure on them. It’s only common courtesy to allow them to pull one last prank on you before you go.

20. Try Not To Leave Unfinished Projects

Leaving a place with loose ends should make you feel inherently uncomfortable. Why not add every last rubber band in your desk to the rubber band ball you’ve been toiling over for months?