I was once a good man. An esteemed citizen of the Great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. Back before that ill-fated night in Philadelphia where I was mesmerized by a young New Jersey girl — which ultimately led me to my slow sandy death, deep into the bowels of South Jersey. Surrounded by gyms and window tint shops, I forever bear the cross that is my New Jersey wife and until death do us part.

Heed my words. For you don’t have to suffer the same fate as I. Read this list and commit it to heart before deleting it from your history and if any of these points ring true, I would advise you to run. Run far away and if by chance you happen upon the promising plains of Delaware County, PA, tell my sweet mother I love her, and I’ll probably see her this weekend.

1. She Spends More On Tanning Than She Does On Groceries

It’s not easy being orange. Gaining the clementine complexion of say a Snookie or a J-Wow takes serious time and effort. You need to embrace the human microwave and have no concept of skin cancer.

2. She Always Has Free Rooms In Atlantic City

Girls from New Jersey possess these mysterious cards which allows them to basically live in Atlantic City for free. Granted they get really drunk and lose a bunch of your money playing roulette. This is a really bad sign.

3. If She Has Uncontrollable Road Rage — Mainly Due To Out Of State Plates

Nothing pisses a NJ princess off worse than sharing the road with people from other states who, “come into their state and don’t know how to drive.” To her they are just in the way and taking up space at the beach, or as she calls it, “the shore.”

4. Drive The Speed Limit In The Left Lane And Observe Her For Signs Of Frustration

Slow left lane drivers are the bane of NJ women’s existence. If you’re lucky she’ll show her true colors and break up with you on the spot for this.

5. She’s Been In More Fist Fights Than You

These chicks like to fight. Mostly over men, yet sometimes over “trash-talk” as well. Hold a flashlight to her knuckles while she is sleeping to look for scars, or even recently scabbed wounds.

6. If She Is Willing To Have Sex In The Back Seat Of A Jeep Wrangler

This test is tricky. If you don’t have a Wrangler you need to rent one and if you already have one, congrats. Award yourself two douche points.

7. If She has Ever Been Pulled Over Driving 90-100 MPH

Girls from NJ like to drive fast. Plain and simple. Which brings me to my next point.

8. Her Car Has Double The Horse Power Of Your Car

I have a Civic. She has a G37. Do the math.

9. If You See A Group Of Girls Out In NYC Or Philadelphia, Wearing Super Tight Dresses And Having Way Too Much Fun

Walk away from this situation. Sure they may seem like easy drunk targets, but I can assure you hanging out with them will only lead to you fighting one of their ex-boyfriends who is stalking the group, while also drunk, and possibly under the influence of a strong pre-workout mix.

10. Ask Her How The Gas Pump Works

Jersey girl for sure if she replies, “I just give money to an Indian guy, wait a few minutes and drive away.”

11. The Accent

The Jersey Girl accent can be hard to identify having several different local dialects depending on the region. Though I’d describe it as a mix of “valley girl” with a splash of “Rocky.” A method I have devised to train my ears is to hold my nose while saying trash. Listen to the way it sounds when you do this. The nasally intonation heard is often times associated with Jersey Girls.

12. Drive Past The “Welcome To New Jersey Sign” And Watch Her Face For Signs Of Pleasure Or Excitement

Most Jersey girls can not resist celebrating the return to their home soil.

13. Ask Her What “Roger Wilco” Is

It’s a liquor store. I’ve actually grown pretty fond of it.

14. Inability To Make Left Turns

Sadly the state of NJ has beef with the left direction and requires its citizens to spin around these so-called “jug handles” like circus clowns whenever they want to veer off to the left.

15. She’s A Diner Snob

Women from New Jersey are diner connoisseurs. Their sophisticated processed meat palates can appreciate the even slightest nuances in various pork rolls—and if it’s not “Taylor” brand, then you’ve got a problem.

16. If You Ask Her Where She’s From And She Refers To A Highway Exit Instead Of A Town

“I’m from exit 38!” Is something you’d typically hear.

17. If She’s Italian

Doesn’t necessarily mean she’s from New Jersey, but she’s definitely got some family there.

18. If She Has Three Different Malls Within A Ten Mile Radius Of Her House

This is just a basic fact. There are many malls in NJ and they are always packed.

19. Her Gym Outfit Looks A Lot Like A Stripper Outfit

If you’ve never been to a gym in NJ you need to stop what you’re doing and go. Not all, but some NJ babes abide by the “if-it-almost-covers-your-butt-cheeks-then-it’s-OK-rule” and watching them twerk the leg machine is definitely a treat. Just don’t get caught staring, the guy dead lifting a house in the corner is probably her man.

20. Make Fun Of New Jersey And See If She Get’s Pissed

Even if she’s been doing a good job hiding her “Jerseyness” from you, this will definitely expose her. No NJ citizen can sit idle and listen to their state being spat upon. Just get out of there soon after, otherwise you’re going to have to listen to her ramble on about how NJ’s close to Philly and NY and all the beaches and blah blah blah.

21. If Her Property Taxes Are Through The Roof

You would think NJ is run by an evil feudal king. Their current property tax rate is around 12%+prime+firstborn.

22. She Loves Chris Christie, But Thinks He Needs To Work On His Body

Citizens of the state love their Governor, but at the same time won’t hesitate to let you know he’s a fat shit and will never become president because he’s so goddamn fat.

23. If She’s Ever Cried During An Episode Of The “Jersey Shore.”

This one’s pretty self explanatory.

24. She Flashes Her High Beams On Other Drivers So They Move Out Of Her Way

This barbaric behavior is very common among NJ drivers and it’s typically used on “fucking slow driving PA drivers in the left lane.”

25. Just Ask Her

It’s probably the most honest and straight forward approach to the whole thing. If she replies, “Fuck yeah, Dirty Jerz for life, bitch! Woooooo!,” before slamming an alcoholic beverage containing Red Bull, then bolt. Just get out of there while you can.