Hungry for some little nuggets of wisdom? Need a few easily digestible rules to live by? Well, my friends, you have come to the right place. Because I’ve been some places and I’ve done some things, and I’ve learned a thing or two about a thing or two. So give me a few minutes of your time and I’ll give you 50 things every man should realize about himself, women, business and life in general.

1. If you always believe you’re the smartest guy in the room, you’ll never learn anything.

2. Figure out how you would be of value in a post-apocalyptic society.

3. Learn CPR, the Heimlich and basic first aid.

4. Sex is best when you treat it as a competition.

5. Save money. Rainy days can come out of nowhere.

6. Spend money. You can’t take it with you.

7. Hate to break it to you, but size DOES matter.

8. Be generous and open to criticism, especially in bed.

9. Your wife/girlfriend is not your mother.

10. A strong work ethic is a good substitute for being smart.

11. Handshake agreements aren’t worth the paper they’re printed on.

12. Don’t let your friends drift away, because they will if you let them.

13. Time is your most valuable commodity. Don’t waste too much of it.

14. If you’re not happy, stop what you’re doing and do something else. Right now.

15. Keep your bathroom clean and your bed made if you want a woman to use either.

16. Failure sucks, but it feels way better than not trying.

17. Always be confident. Never be cocky.

18. Remember people’s names.

19. Don’t be an asshole. Seriously. Just don’t.

20. Choose your role models carefully.

21. Keep your mind in shape. Do a crossword. Memorize a poem. Something like that.

22. If you can’t drive a stick, parallel park or jump-start a car, I’m sorry, but you can’t call yourself a man.

23. If you’re in couples’ therapy, it’s already over.

24. If making money is you’re only goal in life, you’ll never be happy because you’ll never have enough.

25. Having a toolbox and knowing how to use what’s inside of it is pretty damn important.

26. Know how to tell a good story. If you can’t capture people’s attention, you’re just some dude in the background.

27. When you get wasted, you’re not as funny as you think you are.

28. Do not give a single shit about what anybody thinks of you.

29. Quality trumps quantity every time.

30. Do at least 50 push-ups every day.

31. Gentlemen are a dying breed. Be one and you’ll stand out.

32. Don’t sleep with anyone you wouldn’t buy breakfast for the next day.

33. Don’t tell her you’re going to call her unless you really are. It’s chicken-shit.

34. A daily compliment goes a long way.

35. You can’t change the past. Let it go.

36. Prepare for the future but live in the present.

37. If this is the longest thing you’ve read all week, that’s sad. Crack a book once in a while, idiot.

38. If she’s has had more than three different dicks in her ass, she’s probably not marriage material.

39. Own up to mistakes, even if you’re not the one who made them. Nobody likes or respects the guy who refuses to accept any blame.

40. Learn how to change a tire and make sure to help anyone who can’t do it themselves.

41. No one gives a shit about your religion. Whether you’re a devout fundamentalist or a staunch atheist, keep it to yourself.

42. Reevaluate your goals every couple of years. What you want out of life changes constantly.

43. Stop holding grudges. It accomplishes nothing.

44. Control your impulses. But it’s okay to let a few get away from you.

45. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. A real man can control his emotions.

46. Burning bridges is one of the stupidest things you can do.

47. Trust your gut, even if it’s steered you wrong in the past.

48. Be honest in all your relationships. Liars suck.

49. If you know how to play guitar, it’s much easier to get laid.

50. Relax. Whatever it is, it’s not that big a deal.