Why do women always get screwed out of money? I mean really, unless you’re hot or a woman who knows how to work it on TV, you don’t have any money. STEP IT UP, LADIES! It’s time to catch up to all of these rich mofos instead of marrying them.

Speaking of these rich mofos, Forbes just released its new billionaire list as monitored by its “global wealth team”, and pretty much all of them are old men. The list, however, has grown to 1,426 names (remember that there are like 7 billion people on Earth, though), and their net worth amounts to $5.4 trillion, up from last year’s $4.6 trillion. The US still holds its very slim lead with 442 billionaires (Asia-Pacific has 386).

So why the hell are the rich getting richer? It has to do with some crap called asset prices going up, which means more profit for a number of these entrepreneurs. Gainers this year outranked losers, unlike last year where those numbers were reversed.

There are a number of names we already know on this list – no, Bill Gates hasn’t spent ALL of his money on African children just yet – but there are some newcomers as well.

Carlos Slim is not only the world’s richest person, he also has a badass name that I’ve said at least six times while writing this article. There’s no way a man with a name like Carlos Slim couldn’t be rich as hell. People just hand him money and bow down in front of him because of how awesome his name is, obviously. Anyway, he’s right ahead of Bill Gates by a billion or two, and No. 3 is not only third but the world’s biggest GAINER. He added like $20 billion to his pot this year, which puts him ahead of Warren Buffet, the world’s most asinine and frugal billionaire that no, hasn’t died yet.

Here’s the Top 10 with net worth included just for fun:

Carlos Slim Helu: $73 billion
Bill Gates: $67 billion
Amancio Ortega: $57 billion
Warren Buffett: $53.5 billion
Larry Ellison: $43 billion
Charles Koch: $34 billion
David Koch: $34 billion
Li Ka-shing (his last name even sounds like money) $31 billion
Liliane Bettencourt and family: $30 billion
Bernard Arnault: $29 billion

You’ll notice there’s only one woman on the list and not only is she No. 9, she’s listed as “and family,” which means there’s some man in there taking credit for all of her accomplishments. Again, I ask: What the hell, women? You can do so much better.

It’s important to note that this list contains ONLY individuals (mostly) and not large families that share big pots of gold. Forbes makes a distinction, which means you should, too, because this list literally takes all freaking year and a damn laundry list of reporters to assemble.

I don’t have any problem with people who have money, and I’m mostly jealous because I probably won’t see a quarter of the money these people see every day in my entire lifetime as a writer. You’ll notice that even though you hear about successful writers all the time, none of them are actually on the Top 10 list, here. But damn, I hate them a little. It’s hard not to. But let me tell you, these people did not get here by just sitting on their laurels and having tea every day. They may do that now, but most of these people are SCRAPPY. They fight for what they want, and they freaking get it. They do something, and they get rewarded for it.

So next time you judge rich people for being rich (I don’t blame you), remember that if you ever want to hold more than 10 bucks in your hand, that you have to get off your ass and do something, too.

Congrats, billionaires. May the odds be ever in your favor.

[Image via Flickr/itupictures]