How long does it really take to get to know someone you’re dating? That’s a tough question to answer, because getting to know someone on a romantic level—someone you might want to spend the rest of your life with—is something that has to go through a number of stages. Your relationships with girlfriends are different from your relationships with your buddies or your family, or at least I hope they are, so it’s only natural that you get to know them in a different way.

First off, when we’re trying to attract someone, we’re all a bunch of big, fat, fucking liars. Even those of us who claim to “just be ourselves” on first dates are at the very least projecting some sort of idealized image, emphasizing what we think is desirable about ourselves and important in the person we’re looking for. So in the beginning stages, we’re really only operating on attraction and common interests.

By the third date or so, you either develop a chemistry or you don’t. You still don’t know each other, but you should have a pretty good idea of what each other is all about. You know if she’s too needy or slutty, she knows if you’re too full of shit or hung up on your mother. You both have enough information to form a general impression and decide whether you like each other or not. And that makes it either time to have sex or bail (but not both, guys—don’t be assholes).

Once you get to know each other in the biblical sense, that’s usually when you start to learn more personal things about each other. Emotional and physical intimacy fit together like penises and vaginas, so once you’ve seen each other naked, that’s when you start revealing what your childhood was like, she tells you how many dudes she’s slept with, you confess to her about that time you killed a man, etc. At that point, the two of you probably know a lot about each other, but you still don’t really know each other. It’s the “gathering information” stage. You have a lot of the pieces that make her who she is, but you don’t really know how they all fit together.

Over the course of about three months or so, when all your deep dark secrets have been spilled and you’ve defiled each other in just about every way you’re comfortable with and some you weren’t, when you stop picking up after yourself and start leaving the seat up while she stops cooking for you and starts letting you see her without makeup—generally when you stop trying to impress each other—that’s when your really start to know each other. She’s your girlfriend now and your guards are coming down. It’s basically when the honeymoon ends. You notice her annoying laugh, she notices how you chew with your mouth open. If you still like each other at that point, it’s a pretty good sign. Because once the shine of newness starts to fade and you both start getting comfortable, it’s basically the final test.

About nine months in is probably when you know the person as well as you’re ever going to. You’re spending enough time together that you’ve seen the best and worst each other has to offer. If you’re still happy, then marry that girl.

So, I guess it’s not as hard to figure out after all. Three dates to know if she’s girlfriend material, nine months to know if she’s marriage material. Take that to the bank, fellas.