What Your Favorite Sex Position Says About You

Universal Pictures/Couples Retreat

We’ve all been there. The lights are low, the music’s on, clothes are starting to come off, everyone’s fully aroused… and then it hits you: “How am I going to do this?”

Sure, you know what goes where, and for the most part, when, but it’s the “how” that’s really important, isn’t it? The way you get busy defines you as a person, and you don’t want to screw it up.

Now, you could just let things happen in a natural way, go on instinct, mix it up when it feels right and just generally have a good time, but that’s just not you. No, you want to know what kind of statement you’re going to be making between those sheets. You can’t get out of your own head for one goddamn second and simply enjoy the greatest act known to humankind without a little egomaniacal bullshit self-analysis.

Well, my friend, I’m here to help. Through exhaustive research and intensive scientific and psychological study, I have constructed the definitive indicator of what your favorite ugly-bumping method says about you as a person. So without further ado, let’s get to it.

1. Missionary

HIM: You don’t care if people think you’re boring, like to play it safe, have no imagination, etc. You could give a shit if people call you insecure about your need for eye contact. Fuck all that. Those people are clearly doing it wrong. You’re a guy who knows how to get things done. Sure, it’s Sex 101, but you know this is the most versatile of positions, and there’s plenty of room to get wild and freaky when the need arises. Do your thing, Missionary Man. You’re a guy who knows how to get results.

HER: You like experiencing a deep connection with your partner, brought on by eye contact, lots of kissing and your ability to withstand 175 pounds or so of sweaty man-flesh pressing down on top of you. Of course, there’s also a chance you like just lying motionless and letting him do all the work, and that’s fine, too.

2. Doggie Style

HIM: OK, some people think you have some deep-seated need for degradation, but you know that’s bullshit. Everybody’s having a good time, after all. Sure, you’re not the most romantic of individuals — eye contact clearly isn’t your thing. You also like to bring it deep and dictate the tempo, so there may be some control issues lurking somewhere inside you. But hey, nothing says “job well done” like looking down and seeing a big ol’ puddle on the small of her back.

HER: God bless you. When you do things, you do it all the way. You’re interested in experiencing everything he’s got to offer. Now, there’s a chance that if this is your favorite position, your guy might not be among the most well-endowed, but let’s let that be our little secret.

3. Cowgirl

HIM: You lazy bastard. You just want to lie there and play with her tits while she does all the work, don’t you? Ah, you know I’m just fucking with you. You’re a giver, right? You’re secure enough in yourself to let her run the show. You’re also probably really into visual stimulation. I mean, isn’t life always better when you can look up and see a naked girl bouncing around on top of you?

HER: You’re someone who knows what she likes and isn’t afraid to work for it. You also might be something of an exhibitionist who wants her guy to know how lucky he is to be where he is at that moment. Go right ahead, put on a show and get that cardio in.

4. Reverse Cowgirl

HIM: Really? This is your favorite? Why? Things don’t really… point that way in a very natural manner. Yeah, it’s got a fun name, and if you’re an ass man, you’re getting a great view, but isn’t it kind of awkward after a couple minutes? If this is your bag, I don’t know what to tell you. You’re probably watching too much porn.

HER: Depending on the curvature of the penis you’re working with, this is a good way to hit that G-spot. Sure, it’s not super comfortable for the guy, but what do you care? You’re kind of a narcissist, right? I bet you have a mirror set up just right so you can admire yourself while you’re working this position.

5. Spooning

HIM: You’re a cuddler. You want your woman to feel safe and protected when she’s lying on her side, taking it from behind. You’re a romantic sort of fella, aren’t you? There’s nothing wrong with that at all, Mr. Sensitive. And you’ve probably got killer abs, because this one takes a lot of work on your part.

HER: You like feeling safe and secure while your man works his magic on you. Like fans of the missionary, you’re probably not too big on putting in a lot of physical effort. Unlike missionary women, you don’t want to get all bogged down in eye contact.

6. 69

HIM & HER: Now we’re talking. You think outside the box (see what I did there?). You clearly don’t get hung up on the conventional definition of what constitutes sex, either, so good for you. You’re into giving and receiving, and I hope —I really hope — that you’re big on personal hygiene, too.

7. Standing

HIM: Hey, you’re a busy guy. You’ve got things to do. What’s the point in making a big production out of everything when you can just drop trou and lean her up against the wall? You’ve also figured out how to effectively eliminate post-coital cuddling from the equation, so I think it’s safe to say romance is not your strong suit.

HER: You’re a complex woman. You want it all: the deep penetration of doggy style combined with the face-to-face aspect of missionary. You’re probably best suited for a high-powered corporate position, and there’s a chance you’ve at least thought about putting on a strap-on and trying this position from the other perspective.

8. Wheelbarrow

HIM: Wow, you like to work hard, don’t you? And you demand a lot out of your partner, too. This isn’t just sex, it’s a full-on workout. Hey, it beats going to the gym. Rock on, you meathead multitasker, you.

HER: Like the guy holding your legs, you’re probably a gym rat. Bonus points if you walk on your hands throughout the act. Triple points if you’re going up and down stairs.

9. Pile driver

HIM: Dude… get over yourself.

HER: I have the number of a good therapist if you want it.

10. Anal

HIM: My friend, you are going places. If you’ve done anal enough times that it has become your absolute favorite, you can pretty much talk anyone into anything. And you’re probably going to leave a wake of destruction in your path. More power to you, buddy.

HER: You don’t exist.