10 Drinks A Man Shouldn’t Order

4/15/13 8:12AM EST


Okay, first of all, if you feel comfortable ordering any of the drinks on this list, then good for you. A real man doesn’t let anybody tell him what to do. A guy who is secure enough with his masculinity can drink whatever the fuck he wants.

But the thing about ordering a drink in a bar is it says a lot about you. It projects an image, just like your clothes and your haircut.

I’m a big believer in keeping it simple. I usually order a beer (I like to get a microbrew if possible) or bourbon on the rocks. Occasionally a scotch and soda. Anyway, here’s a list of drinks I think are for girls and/or assholes in order of offensiveness.

10. Light Beer

This is fine to keep in your fridge at home or when you’re pounding pitchers with the guys during a football game. But if you’re out at a bar for the night, get yourself a real damn beer.

9. Margarita

This one’s perfectly acceptable when you’re at a Mexican restaurant, but don’t get one at a bar. They’re too sweet. Besides, if you’re drinking tequila all night, you’re going to make an ass of yourself.

8. Vodka And Red Bull

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Image via Flickr/ planetc1

This was a trendy drink a few years ago, and like most trends, it’s over. Let it die. Besides, who wants to hang around a drunk spaz?

7. Hard Lemonade

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Or anything like that. Yeah, I know they taste good. Most of the drinks on this list taste good, but c’mon, man. I see someone drinking hard lemonade and I know the guy doesn’t have a clue.

6. Daiquiri

If it’s fruity and frozen, it should go without saying that it’s not for you. It’s served in a stupid-looking glass. It changes the color of your tongue. Just… no.

5. Apple-tini

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I’m not sure how drinks like this got lumped in with martinis in the first place. Chicks love these things, and that’s fine, because they go down really smooth and pack a whallop, but it’s impossible to feel like a man with one of these in your hand.

4. Shooters

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Only acceptable when a girl hands you one. And even then, be discerning. Don’t do a Blowjob, okay? If you have to, do something like a Gorilla Fart—when did that become Bacardi and Wild Turkey, by the way? It used to be Jagermeister and tequila, also known as a Mexican Nightmare.

3. Sea Breeze

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If you have to have a vodka/juice drink, get a Screwdriver. You won’t look like a man holding it, but at least you won’t sound like a girl ordering it.

2. Sex On The Beach

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Image via Flickr/ ThiagoMartin

Or anything where it’s more about the name than the drink itself. This includes, but is not limited to, Alligator Sperm, Bloody Tampon, Buttery Nipple, Hot Mexican Hooker, and yes even the Gorilla Fart I mentioned earlier. Stay away from this shit. These drinks are only for girls who just turned 21.

1. Cosmopolitan

Honestly, this one was always for girls because it shares a name with the most feminine magazine in the history of the world. But if there was ever any question about whether it was acceptable for men to order this drink, Sex and the City answered it. Run screaming.


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#41 and #18 are probably the first signs I should have noticed.

Most of this fits. You could almost live with it, if it wasn't for 41.

Put her ass through college, and the paypack you should expect is constant physical abuse. Then by the end of the relationship (10 years) she has convinced everyone that your the physical one.

If she hadn't done such a good job isolating you, it would be even worse. Fortunately, by that point - your life is so in ruins that the only way to go is up or dead.
Since your forced to restart, it's kind of easier then trying to pick up the pieces and put it all back together.


. All other women more attractive than her are whores....

ooh i had not even finished reading the article.


All other women are bitches....

the one am trying out is calling them whores


Thank you for sharing. We came across your article in an attempt to handle my son's crazy girlfriend,meeting for the first time,after she made our family vacation a nightmare. Our hope in sharing this information with him after he dumped the crazy one, we realized he needed a warning check list in order to avoid this type of girl in the future. You information was spot on. We found out from him that this crazy one had more than 3/4 of the 50 things you listed. Thank you so much this information saved my son. Signed a very grateful mom

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