13 Benefits To Marrying A Jewish Woman

13 Benefits To Marrying A Jewish Woman

Ted/Universal Pictures

Ted/Universal Pictures

If you’ve ever seen the movie “Jewtopia” (you probably haven’t, and it’s perhaps best if you keep it that way), you know the Jewish woman stereotype — they love to boss their men around (lovingly) while making sure to feed them (amply). Though I’m a Jewish woman who doesn’t necessarily fit these stereotypes, many of them ring true enough to list here. C’mon, listen to our moms — we’re such a catch!

1. She’ll Make The Tough Decisions For You

Should you wear the blue suit jacket or the gray one for your next job interview? Well, you seem a little weak in the gray one — it makes you look like a pushover. Here, forget both of those, she got you a brand-new suit to wear that you don’t look like such a sheizter in.

2. She’ll Say What’s On Her Mind

As with the suits, so she’ll tell you exactly what you need to hear about your everyday actions. If you have any failings whatsoever, she’ll point them out to you… so you can fix them and become your best self, making both your and her a lot happier and more fulfilled, of course.

3. She Knows How To Talk Her Way Into Things

No appointments open until after Christmas at the dentist when you’ve got a painful cavity to take care of? That dentist will pencil you in after your Jewish girlfriend has told her in exhaustive detail the pain you’re suffering and the stress it’s been putting on both your and your family (even if you currently just live alone with your pet parakeet).

4. She’ll Fight For You

Someone’s pushing her man around? They’ll have to deal with her if they think they can get away with that.

5. She’s Sharper Than You

Talking her way through seemingly impossible situations takes some serious mental savvy. Plus, she’ll never get boring to talk to.

6. Her Mom’s Cooking

She may not quite have come to the age where she’s perfected her mom’s brisket (don’t worry, it’ll happen one of these days), but dating her means dating her mom… in the sense that her mom will now consider it her responsibility to feed you and feed you well. Jewish moms consider it a duty — no, a calling — to feed anyone who enters their house or the home of anyone else in their family.

7. She Probably Has Killer Curves

Since we’ve already traveled so far on the stereotype train, we might as well embrace the shallow ones, as well.

8. Her Parents Could Easily Be Doctors Or Lawyers

What does every Jewish parent want? For their sons and daughters to grow up and be/marry doctors/lawyers. Many Jews immigrated to the States a few generations back, so while her grandparents struggled to attain the American dream, they did it in time for her parents to get prestigious degrees.

9. She Can Also Diagnose You Herself

It’s likely she’s a hypochondriac and/or has picked up some medical knowledge from her doctor mom.

10. She Has Pretty High Standards

She was raised to by parents who expected her to constantly overachieve and impress them with… everything. This means that you can pat yourself on the back for the sheer act of ending up with her.

11. She’ll Be Pretty Good At Almost Everything She Tries To Do

This is also a product of parents who raise someone to be an overachiever.

12. She’ll Play It Safe

Jewish parents are constantly worrying about every possible thing that could go wrong in their children’s lives. This will carry over to her, so she won’t take unnecessary risks that put both your and her lives in jeopardy.

13. But She Also Has a Serious Wild Side

Because of her parents’ incessant nagging when she was young, she’s gone through her fair share of rebellion. When she lets you in on her fun streak, you will not be disappointed.

  • Non-Jewish Jewess

    Loved this article. This is so funny. Never in my life did it even cross my mind to stereotype any groups, except for benign laughs, and I don’t think I’m Jewish (though I very much look like I might be: dark hair, brown eyes, olive skin, good sized nose, tight little body), but I fit the description 100% . Except that I love cooking and my mom never did. And, surprise-surprise, last five men interested in me (and me in some of them) are Jews. Well, I’ve been loving it.

    It became ridiculous when I went to a show, and the Jew on the stage profiled the audience with just one other Jew among hundreds of people. That very guy proceeded to publicly, openly hit on me (respectfully, but intensely), followed by the guy on the stage ridiculing him, while complimenting me, and then sitting with me during his breaks, and emailing me after asking me out to a date. It was laughable. They picked me out of the crowd of hundreds of women, some pretty darn hot. As if they sniffed all of the above in me at first sight.

    Some time ago, I fell wildly in love with one who was most Jewish of all of them, also fitting almost all stereotypes. It’s not going away, though he disappeared on me. Being a true Jewish princess lol with my princess standards (minus materialism, but yes, thrifty as hell, a careful investor, with funds and property, and hefty savings, paying attention to every dime), I let go of him instantly. You don’t mess with a Jewish woman, okay? I still love to the core every single thing about him. Which is easy: I always loved all those characteristics. I just never before met anyone who has them all. There was this moment I never had in my life where some non-schizophrenic voice in my head screamed at me something I never believed in: This is the man! I think he should just come back and marry me! Ta-daaaah! (Yes, I am joking.) When I had that moment, I went and told a coworker, stating I will never in my life say this again. You know, just in case I went crazy, and just so that this voice never, ever again returns with its dumb ideas. If he isn’t, I will never say it again. And, well, come to think of it, if he is, I will never say it again. Even though he’s a bit of a blockhead right now, for a man like him, yep, number 4: if you as much as look at him the wrong way, I’d be ready to fry you alive, dip you in tar and throw you to the bottom of the Dead Sea. And I’m not Italian either.

    Anyway, the more I read and heard about Jewish culture, the more I realized that I found the people I fit among like a glove. Almost all my favorite writers, artists, and everyone I love is Jewish. I just never connected the dots. So much so that I actually just did an ancestry test, just in case. Can I just convert to a secular Jew?