Have you ever wondered how the guy who can’t spell the word “permanent” or respond to one-line emails manages to run your entire company? Does you find yourself tearing your hair out on your homebound commute every day because of this? If so, here’s some help dealing with the miserable human being who somehow pays your bills…
1. Complain Amply To Like-Minded Coworkers
Misery loves company. Recognizing that your boss is the one with the crazy demands and shitty personality can only truly take place when someone else confirms it for you.
2. Undermine His Authority In Small Ways
He wanted you to put a smiley face at the end his holiday email? Make it a winking smiley face. So there!
3. Utilize Your Access To Her Personal Email Account
Having the awareness that you can sabotage her personal life at the click of a mouse is empowering even if you never plan on doing it. You can also maybe use one her email contacts for a connection to a better job.
4. Or Just Take An Interest In His Personal Life
Hopefully this will make him seem more like a human and less like a sociopathic, power hungry robot.
5. Learn Her Business Plans and Come Up With Better Ones
Secretly draw up your own plans to rival your boss’s…and then shyly raise your hand to present after learning that hers are “indefinitely awaiting approval.” Or at least daydream about that for a pay period or two.
6. Make a Game Out Of His Shitty Behaviors
Start betting with your coworkers on how many times your boss will remind you “how simple” your job is before lunch. Maybe you can finally receive your long-awaited bonus just by learning the tendencies of an asshole.
7. See How Sarcastic You Can Be To Her Face…
…without her realizing it, of course.
8. Harbor An Embarrassing Secret About Him That No One Else Knows
Then narrow your eyes and smile sneakily at his back every time he walks away from your desk…
9. Get In Good With Her Friends’/Partners
At the next office party, indulge the people who work on her level. Listen to them complain about their wives or brag about their kids and soon they’ll be waving cheerily to you in the office while your boss looks on with disbelief.
10. Poke Fun At His Recent Haircut
All guys look kind of silly after a fresh haircut, let’s be real. This works even better when your boss is going bald or is a woman with a bad dye job.
11. Count to Ten Next Time She Pisses You Off
And imagine her floating off into the horizon on a storm cloud never to be seen again while doing so.
12. Get As Many Free Lunches Out Of Him As Possible
Using his budget for fine dining should take the edge of his latest bit of condescension.
13. Subtly Rearrange Things In Her Office
While no one else is looking, switch the paperclip drawer with the important memo drawer. Then watch the confusion ensue…
14. Take Lots Of Vacation Days
When he’s really starting to get on your case, just step back for a bit….to Tahiti.
15. Arrive At Work Earlier Than She Does
That way, when you’re the first to head home for the day, she’ll have no idea when you got in and will have to assume you’ve pulled the full eight hours.
16. Hide In The Bathroom
Save this tactic for the shit storm days…
17. Park In His Spot
Or better yet, replace the “Executive Parking Spot” sign with a handicap one. This might backfire if his mood noticeably darkens from having to retrieve his car from the tow pound.
18. Apply To Other Jobs
It will at least feel like you have an escape route this way.