20 Things Men Will Never Understand About Women

20 Things Men Will Never Understand About Women


Paramount Pictures/Anchorman 2

Paramount Pictures/Anchorman 2

Hi there, ladies. First off, let me explain that I’m not here to complain about you. Well, not too much, anyway. See, there are a more than a few things about you that we just flat-out do not get. Mars and Venus and all that shit, you know. We’ve more or less accepted the fact that you’ll always be something of a mystery to us, and we’re okay with that. The problem, however, lies not in what we don’t understand, but what you EXPECT us to understand. We’re not stupid (most of us) and we want you to be happy, but there are fundamental gaps in our gender-wide knowledge that often get in the way of peaceful coexistence.

So here are a few things about you that we don’t understand. If you see anything here that you can clear up for us, please do. Everyone will be much happier for it.

1. Why You Say The Opposite Of What You Mean

Since communication is essential in successful relationships, this is a mystifying curve ball to us. Telling me you’re fine when you’re clearly the furthest thing from fine is one thing—your body language gives you away. But if you want me to pick you up at the airport or go with you to brunch with your mother, for Christ’s sake, just say so.

2. Your Fascination With Shoes

How much footwear does a person really need? Most guys have a black pair, a brown pair, and some worn-out sneakers and we get by just fine. I’m sorry, but we just don’t understand why you get so excited about buckles and straps and shit. And don’t get mad at us when we don’t notice your new pair—unless we have some kind of fetish, we’re not looking at your feet.

3. Why You Won’t Tell Us What’s Bothering You

I can tell you’re pissed off, and it seems like it’s at me, but I honestly have no fucking idea what I did. I know you want me to figure it out for myself, but haven’t I proven time and time again that I’m not capable of that? Just be straight with me, and I’ll probably apologize for it.

4. Why You Won’t Order Your Own Fries

Men are protective of their food. You know this. So why are you always eating our fries? We asked you if you wanted any of your own, and you said no. But then you go and poach like a third of my order. If you want to share food, please confine it to desserts.

5. How You’re So Good At Multi-Tasking

This is one of those scientifically proven phenomena—women are just plain better at multi-tasking than men. I can barely walk and chew gum at the same time, but somehow you’re talking on the phone, writing an email, watching something on TV, reading a magazine and juggling bowling pins all at once. I’m a bit in awe of this.

6. How You’re Able To Sleep Like That

Hey, I’m all for a little post-coital cuddling, but when you fall asleep on my chest with one leg slung over my waist, there’s no way I’m ever going to get comfortable enough to pass out myself. Is there a way to deal with this that you won’t take as some kind of rejection, or do we just have to live with it?

7. Why You Ask About Our Exes So Much

I mean, shit, I don’t want to know about yours. But you want every detail about every girl I’ve been in a relationship with. You want to see pictures, you want to know what they did for a living, you want to know who ended what and when and why. And it’s not that we want to keep secrets from you, it’s just that talking with your current girlfriend about your exes is like walking through a minefield.

8. How You Expect Me To Remember All Those Details

Look, I’m not going to forget your birthday, our anniversary or your favorite flower, but I don’t have enough room in my brain to store up the names of all your childhood stuffed animals or what wine you ordered on our very first date. That’s sweet that you remember all that stuff about us, but it doesn’t mean we’re capable of the same thing.

9. Why You Ask Questions When You Know You Won’t Like The Answers

Sure, if you’re trying to find out if I’ve been to prison or had a meth addiction, that would be different. But do you really want to know all the places I took my old girlfriends, how many times I’ve been to a titty bar or which of your friends I think is hot?

10. Why You Say You Don’t Have Anything To Wear

I’ve seen the inside of your closet. I know that’s not true.

11. Why You Wear Something That’s So Uncomfortable

Those high heels hurt your feet… but I guess they do make your legs look really good. That dress is too tight… but it really makes your boobs pop. And that thong riding up your ass can’t possibly feel good, but… never mind. I get this one. I’ll just say, “Thank you” and move on.

12. What’s So Great About The Ladies’ Room

You go in groups and you stay in there forever. What’s really happening in there? Is there a TV? A poker table? A Jacuzzi? Male strippers? Men’s rooms don’t have any of that shit, plus, they smell like pee. We try to get out of there as soon as humanly possible.

13. What I’m Supposed To Do When You’re In A Bad Mood

First off, I’m always gonna assume you’re on the rag, even if you’re not. I can’t help it—I’m a victim of societal stereotypes. Sometimes you want to be consoled, sometimes you want to talk it out and sometimes you just want to be left the fuck alone. Just tell me which it is, so I don’t have to guess, because God help me if I choose the wrong option.

14. Why You Find Chocolate So Amazing

I like it too, but damn. You’re crazy about that shit. I read somewhere that it simulates the feeling of being in love, but I’ve never really gotten there. But then again, I never had much of a sweet tooth.

15. What’s So Great About Crying

Sometimes you LIKE to cry, and that’s very puzzling to us. Again, we’ve got some gender stereotypes to contend with, what with us being told men aren’t supposed to cry and what-not, but I honestly don’t see the attraction.

16. Periods

I have no idea what’s going on there and the truth is, I don’t really want to know.

17. Why Your Skincare Products Are So Expensive

I mean, seriously. What are they made of? Crushed diamonds? Baby fetuses? Unicorn hair? If I spent that much on the lotion I use to masturbate, I’d go broke in a week.

18. Drama

There’s always something going on between you and your friends, there’s that bitch at work who’s out to destroy you, the world will stop spinning if someone wears the same outfit as you—my God. How are you not exhausted all the time.

19. Why You Say You Just Want A Nice, Funny Guy But Only Date Assholes

On one hand, I get it. Men are turned on by bad girls, too, but at least we’re honest about what we want. I know plenty of nice, smart, funny…and lonely dudes. So, if you really want them, they’re out there.

20. How You Can Put Up With Us

Okay, so I’m pandering a little here, but I’m also being honest. Men clearly don’t understand women and never will, but you keep coming back for more. Maybe we’re doing something right after all.

Chuck Henderson
 

THE LATEST