30 Things Guys Say And What They Really Mean

30 Things Guys Say And What They Really Mean

Universal Pictures/Ted

Universal Pictures/Ted

Men are, by and large, very simple creatures. Lying d-bags and manipulative a-holes aside, there tends to be very little distance between what we say and we mean. It’s that “linear thinking” you’ve heard about — according to science, men take the simplest, most direct route to accomplish what they’re trying to accomplish (A plus B equals C) whereas women are more contextual and emotional in their thought processes (A plus B, minus logic, plus mood, divided by whatever’s going at the moment, multiplied by the past and covered in chocolate sauce equals C unless she wants it to equal D). These incredibly different approaches to thinking just might be the root of all those communication issues men and women face, don’t you think? And it also might have something to do with why men are often left scratching their heads in confusion when we’re presented with how women reach certain conclusions. It just doesn’t make sense to us.

We say certain things with our logic applied to them. Women interpret what we say using their logic. Chaos follows. My recommendation is this: If you suspect there’s a difference between what someone says and what’s really behind it, before you let your mind run wild with your own interpretations and then marrying whatever conclusions you land on, just ask, “What do you mean by that?” If they give you the same answer, then fucking accept it and move on. Don’t make a federal case out of it. If you find out later they were lying or trying to manipulate you or whatever, then that’s not someone you want to be with. Sucks, I get it, but it’s not the end of the world. Jesus Christ.

That being said, here’s a little guide for some of the basic things that men tend to say and how those things can likely be interpreted. This is meant exclusively for the purpose of entertainment, but if you want to sound off about it and call me an asshole or an idiot, feel free. It won’t hurt my feelings, and that’s me saying exactly what I fucking mean.

1. “I’ll call you.”

Translation: “I’m not going to call you. Well, I might. Probably not, though.”

2. “I don’t care.”

Translation: “You have presented me with an option that, while clearly very important to you, is not a big deal to me at all. Since we’re probably going to end up doing what you want to do anyway, let’s just skip the conversation and go straight to that. If I actually do care about a choice you give me, I swear I will tell you. This is not a test and I’m not trying to be difficult. I truly don’t care. So, for the love of God, just tell me where we’re going to eat tonight.”

3. “She’s just a friend.”

Translation: “I’m flattered by your jealousy and I swear I’ve never had sex with her. If I had, we probably wouldn’t still be friends.”

4. “It’s my fault; I’m sorry.”

Translation: “We’ve been arguing about this for hours and I just can’t take it anymore. Congratulations, you wore me down. Can we have sex now?”

5. “Can we talk about this later?”

Translation: “Could you pretty, pretty please with sugar on top… shut the fuck up?”

6. “My ex was kind of crazy.”

Translation: “This is going well and I’m very attracted to you, but please, please, please, if you’re crazy, reveal it as soon as possible. I’ll probably slit my wrists if I have to go through that again.”

7. “I was kidding.”

Translation: “Oh, shit, I was using humor to express something I believed to be profoundly true, and you saw right through it. This is me backpedaling.”

8. “I never masturbate.”

Translation: “I’ve cut down to three times a day.”

9. “Strip clubs are gross.”

Translation: “Of course they’re gross, but I still go to them in a pinch. You see, I love naked women, but I like women who might actually have sex with me much, much more.”

10. “I never watch porn.”

Translation: “I watch a ton of porn, but my last girlfriend found my Internet search history this one time and made me feel kinda like a freak about it, so this is just a flat-out lie. Sorry about that.”

11. “You look amazing in that dress.”

Translation: “Can we go now?”

12. “That’s not what I meant!”

Translation: “Oh, shit, you took that much worse than I thought you would.”

13. “It’s a guy thing.”

Translation: “If you don’t get it, I can’t explain it. Don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal, and it’s probably stupid anyway. Can we drop it?”

14. “I like a girl who doesn’t wear any makeup.”

Translation: “I don’t know what I’m talking about. Just don’t paint yourself up like a clown. It takes forever, it smells weird and if I touch you or kiss you, it gets all over me. That doesn’t mean I don’t want you looking your best.”

15. “Did you cum?”

Translation: “I know I just killed the mood, but I’m really insecure and I need validation that I was at least adequate in bed and that you’ll give me another chance at it. I love sex.”

16. “You really know how to eat.”

Translation: “This is not a slam on your weight at all, so please don’t take it that way. You don’t make me go to vegan restaurants, and you order things I like, which means I can finish what you don’t eat. Life is good.”

17. “We need to take a little break.”

Translation: “I’ve been trying to get you to dump me for three months now and this is as close as I can get to doing it myself.”

18. “Hey, do you know where my sweatshirt is?”

Translation: “The one I let you borrow the first time you slept over at my place? I’m really flattered that you want to hold on to it, but it’s mine and I want it back.”

19. “I’m really tired.”

Translation: “Of course I still want to have sex, just… you get on top.”

20. “Let me give you a massage.”

Translation: “Let’s have sex.”

21. “I’m not really looking for a relationship right now.”

Translation: “I’m being honest. I just want sex. We can see where it goes and all, but I’m not making any promises about us having a future together. What do you think?”

22. “Let me cook you dinner.”

Translation: “Come over to my place so we can have sex.”

23. “How many guys have you slept with?”

Translation: “I’m an idiot and I’m sabotaging our relationship because there’s no good answer to this question. I won’t like the truth and lying to me is even worse. Please avoid answering this question without making it sound like your sexual history is in line with Madonna’s. Please?”

24. “I didn’t want to bug you.”

Translation: “I didn’t tell you because I knew there was a risk of drama, and being a man, I hate drama, so I didn’t include you. I wasn’t necessarily trying to hide anything and there was no harm done. Can we move past it?”

25. “We should start exercising.”

Translation: “You’re getting fat.”

26. “I’m not angry.”

Translation: “I’m really not angry. Well, maybe I am a little angry, but I’ll get over it. Let’s not make it a big thing, okay?”

27. “I’m okay.”

Translation: “Maybe I’m not really all that okay, but it’s something I’d prefer to deal with on my own. Please stop asking me if I’m okay, because the more times you ask that question, the less okay I actually feel.”

28. “How do you know that guy?”

Translation: “Have you had sex with him? Because I’m either threatened by him or think he’s a douche and am worried about your standards.”

29. “I really like you.”

Translation: “You’re smart, funny and attractive and I want you to know it, but I’m not even close to wanting to commit to anything long-term right now. How about we have sex?”

30. “I love you.”*

Translation: “Wow, I did it. I’m crazy about you and don’t want to see anyone else. You’re someone I could see spending the rest of my life with.”

* If this is said during sex, we cannot be held to it. Sorry. No blood in the brain and all that.


via tumblr

Chuck Henderson
  • deadjuice

    ” Men are stupid one-track-minded idiot, but somehow also keep tricking us smart strong emotional women, like, all the time.
    I don’t even like, know how they do it, but they like totally DO.
    Here’s a list that translate what douchebags say accurately. but also, apply this to every guy you ever have a relationship with.
    Even if this guy isn’t a douche, just treat everything he says as a hidden douchy message, because everyone loves fucking pointless drama”

  • imfuckingbored

    Not every man is a douchebag! In fact on the other side of the perspective men can view women as over emotional…which is actually true to some extent. Not every woman is hard working, strong, or anything. Women can be utter assholes, it’s a two way street. Even  SOME men are assholes too I’ll admit it. However inside all of us girl or boy, we can always go towards the right path and accept our faults as people and work with it to improve them in a good way.

  • SuzyBustosDeHaro

    wow these “typical” men sound like complete animals with sex on there mind as the most more important than anything

  • NinaCC86

    This probably made a lot of girls angry but it’s nice to know that there’s someone that I actually can put it in words what guys really mean when they say all those things so they don’t sound all that great but it is appreciated personally I could do without all the swearing but thanks

  • Loving Asian

    All men aren’t like that. I don’t really think like that about men at all …. You are just making men the worse creatures on Earth … Men are also very sensitive.. When a man loves someone , He’ll even die in order to get her love

    Men are more loving than women … 

    Please correct the errors in your post .. Its totally wrong..

  • Loving Asian

    imfuckingbored Love your thoughts… You are 100 % correct 😀

  • inviteddemon

    *Repost. Clicked button early.
    Yeah… you women can get angry, but it’s an honest guy that’ll tell you it’s accurate. And just because sex is there in the back of the mind, it doesn’t make any difference to anything. Every guy you’ve ever met, with the exclusion of gay men, have to some extent thought about sleeping with you, even just to tell themselves that’s a horrible idea and how could anyone think like that.
    Fact is, every person everywhere has a however many thoughts, feelings, impulses, desires, remarks, and whatever else that they don’t act on. That’s the only difference between everyone. What we act on and what we don’t. That’s it. Some people act on the crappy impulses, some people act on the socially acceptible ones, most meet a middle ground.
    If you can’t face seeing the truth of what goes on in MANY peoples heads, then why the hell are you even looking into this kind of thing in the first place? Although chances are you lie to yourself at an above average rate anyway. 
    We all have the impulse to be nasty, to be a douche, to be nice, to sleep with people, to lie, or to be brutally honest because we’re sick of keeping things to ourselves, and just about everything else we do. Some people have some impulses more often, some have some impulses less often. We all have them. If you can honestly sit there and say “I’ve never at any one point in my life ever said or thought about saying one of these things or something similar with the same meaning behind it” then either you’re an alien, somehow emotionally perfect, or you’re more likely a liar.
    You don’t want to know what goes on inside peoples heads. Not really. Not if you can’t face horrible truths, or uncomfortable truths about yourself.

  • Tir

    I asked my man about this and he asked if it was written by a teenager…lol.

  • CrazyCatDP

    I’ve been told by an ex lover that he wants to Marry me, however in the past i found that he wasn’t really a man of his word. Does he mean what he says? keeping in mind we now live in different Cities.

  • PaigeHalle

    Loving Asian Haha, you’re funny. Have you actually dated a sensitive guy that isn’t gay? I have… and let me tell you, he most DEFINITELY some of these things with THESE thoughts behind them. He is sensitive and when he does actually care about a girl, he is a really good lover. But sometimes the sensitivity does bite them in the ass, and I’m like 100% sure he said this or that with THESE thoughts behind them when dating me. That doesn’t mean that he’s a terrible creature or anything. Quite the opposite. This guy was depicting the reality. That’s the reality of how men think. I know it’s somewhat sexist. But it really does go for both sexes. You might say this or that towards a loved one or even a friend with these sorts of thoughts behind it. You also can’t say that you haven’t thought about the men you’ve met romantically either. It always becomes a question with every man you mean. Just like it is with men. Women just don’t talk about it like that. Some women feel sleezy or feel really awful about it because they deem it wrong. That very same guy that I dated, I also can say I did things I wouldn’t normally do simply because I was bored and not because I actually had feelings. If you don’t date somebody in the world… and see where he is saying this or that with these thoughts behind it… then you’re so naive. I’m sorry sorry. I am a woman and I am speaking honestly. If you want to live in your dreamworld, go ahead and do it. You’re right that men CAN be more loving and that they also can love a women enough that he will die for her. But “All men aren’t like that.” I believe you mean, “not all men are like that,” but the sad truth is, they ARE. The difference between them and the man that actually loves enough that he’d die for the girl is that… the man that loves enough that dies for the girl, actually LOVES the girl. When the man doesn’t love the girl, he isn’t going to be as caring towards her. He isn’t willing to jump in front of the bus for her. But every single one of those men that actually end up LOVING somebody in the way that he would die for her… can’t say that they didn’t act like this or think like this for somebody in the past. Everybody HAS. Unless this guy fell in love at five years and loved that girl all his life and was besties with her… it’s hard to believe that he wouldn’t have thought like this at some point. But honestly… you can bet your ass that he has thought some of these things even with the girl he loves. He’ll apologize simply because he doesn’t want to argue about it anymore. Maybe he’s exhausted and the guy added humor to it on purpose. It’s humor. They might not really think “can we have sex now?” But you can bet your life on it that they really do just want to stop arguing even if they still think you’re right and still think you’re wrong. It eventually doesn’t matter anymore, the sensitive guys might just apologize because they don’t want to lose you. Or they might be telling you that they don’t want to lose you because they don’t want you to be angry at them anymore, they just feel like letting you win is worth more than exhausting themselves over it. Instead, I can tell you the guy I was talking about actually thought like this, said it like this too. I can also tell you he is the kind that would lie just to get you to stick around. He also probably never saw it through my point of view. I can also tell you, that I knew this the entire time I argued with him and personally I only continued arguing because I was insulted and just wanted him to apologize. Some women are simple too. I do tend to overthink, and think the same way this guy said women do. But I know how to think simply too. When it comes to guys, it is actually that simple. It is actually noticeable too and we do actually pick up on it. But whether we choose to ignore it or argue with the guy is up to us. I chose to ignore it and later got told I was naive. Or gave off the appearance that I didn’t actually care. Truth is, I did care. I just don’t like arguing.

  • Fabulous_queen_19

    inviteddemon We don’t get angry that much. it is you men who get angry a-lot when things go wrong.

  • Fabulous_queen_19

    Us woman don’t get angry that much. It is you men that angry when something goes wrong

  • Gabs2234

    What does it mean when a guy asks you to massage his forehead?