30 Things Guys Say And What They Really Mean

7/16/14 3:32PM EST

Universal Pictures/Ted

Universal Pictures/Ted

Men are, by and large, very simple creatures. Lying d-bags and manipulative a-holes aside, there tends to be very little distance between what we say and we mean. It’s that “linear thinking” you’ve heard about — according to science, men take the simplest, most direct route to accomplish what they’re trying to accomplish (A plus B equals C) whereas women are more contextual and emotional in their thought processes (A plus B, minus logic, plus mood, divided by whatever’s going at the moment, multiplied by the past and covered in chocolate sauce equals C unless she wants it to equal D). These incredibly different approaches to thinking just might be the root of all those communication issues men and women face, don’t you think? And it also might have something to do with why men are often left scratching their heads in confusion when we’re presented with how women reach certain conclusions. It just doesn’t make sense to us.

We say certain things with our logic applied to them. Women interpret what we say using their logic. Chaos follows. My recommendation is this: If you suspect there’s a difference between what someone says and what’s really behind it, before you let your mind run wild with your own interpretations and then marrying whatever conclusions you land on, just ask, “What do you mean by that?” If they give you the same answer, then fucking accept it and move on. Don’t make a federal case out of it. If you find out later they were lying or trying to manipulate you or whatever, then that’s not someone you want to be with. Sucks, I get it, but it’s not the end of the world. Jesus Christ.

That being said, here’s a little guide for some of the basic things that men tend to say and how those things can likely be interpreted. This is meant exclusively for the purpose of entertainment, but if you want to sound off about it and call me an asshole or an idiot, feel free. It won’t hurt my feelings, and that’s me saying exactly what I fucking mean.

1. “I’ll call you.”

Translation: “I’m not going to call you. Well, I might. Probably not, though.”

2. “I don’t care.”

Translation: “You have presented me with an option that, while clearly very important to you, is not a big deal to me at all. Since we’re probably going to end up doing what you want to do anyway, let’s just skip the conversation and go straight to that. If I actually do care about a choice you give me, I swear I will tell you. This is not a test and I’m not trying to be difficult. I truly don’t care. So, for the love of God, just tell me where we’re going to eat tonight.”

3. “She’s just a friend.”

Translation: “I’m flattered by your jealousy and I swear I’ve never had sex with her. If I had, we probably wouldn’t still be friends.”

4. “It’s my fault; I’m sorry.”

Translation: “We’ve been arguing about this for hours and I just can’t take it anymore. Congratulations, you wore me down. Can we have sex now?”

5. “Can we talk about this later?”

Translation: “Could you pretty, pretty please with sugar on top… shut the fuck up?”

6. “My ex was kind of crazy.”

Translation: “This is going well and I’m very attracted to you, but please, please, please, if you’re crazy, reveal it as soon as possible. I’ll probably slit my wrists if I have to go through that again.”

7. “I was kidding.”

Translation: “Oh, shit, I was using humor to express something I believed to be profoundly true, and you saw right through it. This is me backpedaling.”

8. “I never masturbate.”

Translation: “I’ve cut down to three times a day.”

9. “Strip clubs are gross.”

Translation: “Of course they’re gross, but I still go to them in a pinch. You see, I love naked women, but I like women who might actually have sex with me much, much more.”

10. “I never watch porn.”

Translation: “I watch a ton of porn, but my last girlfriend found my Internet search history this one time and made me feel kinda like a freak about it, so this is just a flat-out lie. Sorry about that.”

11. “You look amazing in that dress.”

Translation: “Can we go now?”

12. “That’s not what I meant!”

Translation: “Oh, shit, you took that much worse than I thought you would.”

13. “It’s a guy thing.”

Translation: “If you don’t get it, I can’t explain it. Don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal, and it’s probably stupid anyway. Can we drop it?”

14. “I like a girl who doesn’t wear any makeup.”

Translation: “I don’t know what I’m talking about. Just don’t paint yourself up like a clown. It takes forever, it smells weird and if I touch you or kiss you, it gets all over me. That doesn’t mean I don’t want you looking your best.”

15. “Did you cum?”

Translation: “I know I just killed the mood, but I’m really insecure and I need validation that I was at least adequate in bed and that you’ll give me another chance at it. I love sex.”

16. “You really know how to eat.”

Translation: “This is not a slam on your weight at all, so please don’t take it that way. You don’t make me go to vegan restaurants, and you order things I like, which means I can finish what you don’t eat. Life is good.”

17. “We need to take a little break.”

Translation: “I’ve been trying to get you to dump me for three months now and this is as close as I can get to doing it myself.”

18. “Hey, do you know where my sweatshirt is?”

Translation: “The one I let you borrow the first time you slept over at my place? I’m really flattered that you want to hold on to it, but it’s mine and I want it back.”

19. “I’m really tired.”

Translation: “Of course I still want to have sex, just… you get on top.”

20. “Let me give you a massage.”

Translation: “Let’s have sex.”

21. “I’m not really looking for a relationship right now.”

Translation: “I’m being honest. I just want sex. We can see where it goes and all, but I’m not making any promises about us having a future together. What do you think?”

22. “Let me cook you dinner.”

Translation: “Come over to my place so we can have sex.”

23. “How many guys have you slept with?”

Translation: “I’m an idiot and I’m sabotaging our relationship because there’s no good answer to this question. I won’t like the truth and lying to me is even worse. Please avoid answering this question without making it sound like your sexual history is in line with Madonna’s. Please?”

24. “I didn’t want to bug you.”

Translation: “I didn’t tell you because I knew there was a risk of drama, and being a man, I hate drama, so I didn’t include you. I wasn’t necessarily trying to hide anything and there was no harm done. Can we move past it?”

25. “We should start exercising.”

Translation: “You’re getting fat.”

26. “I’m not angry.”

Translation: “I’m really not angry. Well, maybe I am a little angry, but I’ll get over it. Let’s not make it a big thing, okay?”

27. “I’m okay.”

Translation: “Maybe I’m not really all that okay, but it’s something I’d prefer to deal with on my own. Please stop asking me if I’m okay, because the more times you ask that question, the less okay I actually feel.”

28. “How do you know that guy?”

Translation: “Have you had sex with him? Because I’m either threatened by him or think he’s a douche and am worried about your standards.”

29. “I really like you.”

Translation: “You’re smart, funny and attractive and I want you to know it, but I’m not even close to wanting to commit to anything long-term right now. How about we have sex?”

30. “I love you.”*

Translation: “Wow, I did it. I’m crazy about you and don’t want to see anyone else. You’re someone I could see spending the rest of my life with.”

* If this is said during sex, we cannot be held to it. Sorry. No blood in the brain and all that.

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6 comments
CandaceWalker
CandaceWalker

Any man who will judge you negatively for behaviour he is happy to engage in, is someone you don't want to be with.


Simple as that.


The only 'right time' is when you're both ready.

Aesopsfable
Aesopsfable

Okay.  First, it does depend on the people involved.  We are not machines and we don't have an expiration date as to best when screwed by.  We are individuals that have different time lines.  The time line for sex is when both parties are comfortable with it.  Sometimes it's six months and sometimes you hook up one night and then start dating.  Keep the rule simple, "when all involved are ready"  

A person should figure out for themselves whether or not they are ready or will ever be ready for a sexual relationship with the other person/people.  Some people need more time than others to be ready, but figure out if you are just not ready or will you never be ready with that other person/people.  If the answer is never; tell them and move on to being friends if possible.  Don't just drag it out because you're afraid of hurting their feelings, because what you are really doing is taking up the time they could be spending looking for someone that would like to be with them in the sexual arena.

Artisan219
Artisan219

My general rule of thumb is one month. It's not a hard set rule, and like most men, if sex becomes a real possibility, then I'm not really going to beat myself up over going a little early. Sex can be casual, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it's harder to turn wild night into an actual relationship. There's a reason one-night stands are awkward the next day and its simply because the person you woke up with is really just an acquaintance, and I don't know about the rest of you, but I generally don't let random people into my home. At the time you were trying to get into her panties, that may not have mattered, but now you have things to do, she has to get home before work, and you realize you don't know her last name or her favorite color. This kind of setup makes it a little socially awkward to call her up again. You just had sex, but you don't have a deep bond, and in its own way casual sex is comparable to a firecracker instead of a candle. You light it, it burns, it pops, and now its done. You get into these mind games wondering if you call her back is she going to think you're a stalker. You don't know if she wants a relationship, but you had a good time and now you may actually want a date and you're unsure of the etiquette of asking a one-time hookup to be something else. I have no idea how that goes for women, but I'm sure it's not the most pleasant experience. Having ex too soon, it can really put the brakes on acclimating to each other as individuals. If you find out that your one-night stand is a staunch vegan and you have half a bucket of KFC and a few pounds of ground beef and bacon in the fridge, a long term relationship is probably unlikely. To go the distance in a relationship, both of you have to be moving in similar directions in life. That doesn't mean you both have to be on the same page, to be honest I find that can actually cause more problems than you'd think, but your individual novels should probably be in the same genre. 


On the other hand, sex too late in the relationship can be a really trying experience. It comes down to two issues: investment and intimacy. Sex is an important part of the relationship once the genie is out of the bottle, so if you do wait six months and find out that you aren't compatible sexually, not only are you going to be embarrassed, but you've invested half a year into a relationship and now this has happened. Now maybe you can work out your bedroom troubles , and after six months you should at least try, but it really changes the dynamic of the relationship and will change the way in which the two of you see your future together. That segues into intimacy. Now everyone is going to have a different definition for intimacy, but for me it is the measure of the trust in your relationship. If you find out that your partner has some sexual kinks you aren't into, it's going to affect how comfortable you are discussing sex. Personally I like to have some spontaneity with sex and when you get into a situation where you're having discussions and making plans, it does for my part diminish some of the romance.


I say a month because it gives you space on the calendar for 4 weekend dates, some casual middle of the week hanging out, and most importantly, tons of texting, chatting, and communication, For me, it seems a good balance. But, ladies, if you want to have your six months, look at that objectively. The point of the rule is to make sure your boyfriend loves you before sex and not just because of sex. If he respects you, the relationship is going well, and you actually feel comfortable to have sex , holding onto a timeline may not be helping your relationship. But you are absolutely entitled to your timeline. I would just ask this if I was in that situation: TALK ABOUT IT. I know I said that over-thinking sex can take out the romance, but that's not what I mean. Guys like to know where they stand, and if it's been a few weeks and he's not getting anywhere with that, he's going to be curious what he's doing wrong. Do I not make enough money, am I too short, does my place smell funny, did I say something about my mother? We as men only understand women so well and if we feel that we aren't getting closer in the relationship, we come to the conclusion that A) we did something and B) that you're not going to tell us. If this six-month rule is the only reason you're not having sex, tell him that you're getting excited and that he's getting there. Talk to him early and tell him you don't want to have sex too soon in the relationship. If he knows its not him, he's going to be easier for him to respect your boundaries. When you get closer to having sex, maybe talk about what you do and don't like in the bedroom. After awhile maybe try phone sex if that works for you. Personally I love foreplay and if you think you can play without going too far, then by all means. You can stick to that six months easier by giving him a little more while leading up to it.

CandaceWalker
CandaceWalker

@Artisan219 " The point of the rule is to make sure your boyfriend loves you before sex and not just because of sex."


I don't think I could ever love someone after a month. In fact if I waited to feel love before sex...it would be a long time before sex!

hittlistblog
hittlistblog

@Artisan219 I LOVE your response. I like what you wrote better than the article! Can I share what you wrote on my blog? You can find it on wordpress. The Hitt List! Let me know..thanks!

Artisan219
Artisan219

@hittlistblog @Artisan219 Sure, just link back to this page. Oh, and I notice I have a few minor typing and grammatical errors (damn you, internet) so feel free to make those corrections if you re-post.

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