40 Things Men Think After Sex

4/7/14 2:24PM EST

HBO/Entourage

HBO/Entourage

You know the moment.

Seconds after blowing your load and rolling off of her, the blood starts making its way from below your waist back to your brain and semi-coherent thought once again becomes a possibility. The first thought that enters your head can be very telling about what kind of person you are and how you feel about what you’ve just done. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, sometimes it’s funny, profound or selfish, and sometimes it’s just plain stupid.

I polled a shitload of guys to find out their first thoughts in those head-swimmy moments right after having sex and I got quite a variety of answers. What follows are the top forty. Enjoy, relate, call bullshit, whatever you like.

1. Hey, I just had sex! That’s awesome!

2. You know what would be good right now? Pizza.

3. Did she cum or was she faking it? Does it matter?

4. Is one of us leaving or is this an overnight thing?

5. Where’s the remote?

6. I wonder if I’m the best she’s ever had… What am I thinking? Of course I am.

7. Oops.

8. I really hope she’s on the pill.

9. This one’s going in the masturbation bank for sure.

10. Okay… never done THAT before.

11. Round two? I need twenty minutes.

12. Does she appreciate that I shave my balls or does she think it’s weird?

13. I came way too soon.

14. Damn, it took me forever to cum.

15. I knew I should’ve aimed for her tits.

16. This was a huge mistake.

17. I never would’ve guessed she had those weird European nipples.

18. If I tell her I love her right now, will she hold me to it?

19. The whipped cream was a terrible idea.

20. Jesus, I just sweated buckets all over her.

21. Uh-oh. I know I started out wearing a condom.

22. I really hope she’s not married.

23. My girlfriend would NOT be cool with this.

24. I really have to fart. Wonder if I can slip one out without her noticing.

25. I’m out of shape. That was exhausting.

26. …

27. I hope she doesn’t ask me what I’m thinking.

28. I’m starting to suspect that porn has been lying to me.

29. Shit. I forgot to plan an exit strategy.

30. Congratulations, self. Yet another sexual conquest to add to my list of failed and futile attempts to fill that gaping hole in my soul and stave off loneliness, despair and the inevitable death.

31. Man, I love boobs.

32. Oh fuck. What’s her name? I wanna say it started with an M.

33. Huh. I didn’t think I would’ve liked a finger up my butt, but I was wrong.

34. Was that a queef?

35. Why did she keep squeezing my balls? Didn’t I make it clear I don’t like that?

36. Shit, I made that weird orgasm face again.

37. She’s the fourth hottest girl I’ve ever been with.

38. Well, it’s official. There is no mystery left, here.

39. You know, I should really do this more often.

40. I think I’m gay.

 
2 comments
imfuckingbored
imfuckingbored

  Not every man is a douchebag! In fact on the other side of the perspective men can view women as over emotional...which is actually true to some extent. Not every woman is hard working, strong, or anything. Women can be utter assholes, it's a two way street. Even  SOME men are assholes too I'll admit it. However inside all of us girl or boy, we can always go towards the right path and accept our faults as people and work with it to improve them in a good way.

deadjuice
deadjuice

"Men are stupid one-track-minded idiots, but somehow also keep tricking us smart strong emotional women, like, all the time.
I don't even like, know how they do it, but they like totally DO.

Here's a list that translate what douchebags say/mean, and is very accurate. But also, go ahead and just apply this to every guy you ever have a relationship with.

Even if the guy isn't a douche or a tool, and thinks in a completely different way, just treat everything he says as a hidden douchy message, because everyone loves fucking pointless drama" 

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