40 Things Men Think After Sex

4/7/14 2:24PM EST

40 Things Men Think After Sex 40 Things Men Think After Sex

HBO/Entourage

You know the moment.

Seconds after blowing your load and rolling off of her, the blood starts making its way from below your waist back to your brain and semi-coherent thought once again becomes a possibility. The first thought that enters your head can be very telling about what kind of person you are and how you feel about what you’ve just done. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, sometimes it’s funny, profound or selfish, and sometimes it’s just plain stupid.

I polled a shitload of guys to find out their first thoughts in those head-swimmy moments right after having sex and I got quite a variety of answers. What follows are the top forty. Enjoy, relate, call bullshit, whatever you like.

1. Hey, I just had sex! That’s awesome!

2. You know what would be good right now? Pizza.

3. Did she cum or was she faking it? Does it matter?

4. Is one of us leaving or is this an overnight thing?

5. Where’s the remote?

6. I wonder if I’m the best she’s ever had… What am I thinking? Of course I am.

7. Oops.

8. I really hope she’s on the pill.

9. This one’s going in the masturbation bank for sure.

10. Okay… never done THAT before.

11. Round two? I need twenty minutes.

12. Does she appreciate that I shave my balls or does she think it’s weird?

13. I came way too soon.

14. Damn, it took me forever to cum.

15. I knew I should’ve aimed for her tits.

16. This was a huge mistake.

17. I never would’ve guessed she had those weird European nipples.

18. If I tell her I love her right now, will she hold me to it?

19. The whipped cream was a terrible idea.

20. Jesus, I just sweated buckets all over her.

21. Uh-oh. I know I started out wearing a condom.

22. I really hope she’s not married.

23. My girlfriend would NOT be cool with this.

24. I really have to fart. Wonder if I can slip one out without her noticing.

25. I’m out of shape. That was exhausting.

26. …

27. I hope she doesn’t ask me what I’m thinking.

28. I’m starting to suspect that porn has been lying to me.

29. Shit. I forgot to plan an exit strategy.

30. Congratulations, self. Yet another sexual conquest to add to my list of failed and futile attempts to fill that gaping hole in my soul and stave off loneliness, despair and the inevitable death.

31. Man, I love boobs.

32. Oh fuck. What’s her name? I wanna say it started with an M.

33. Huh. I didn’t think I would’ve liked a finger up my butt, but I was wrong.

34. Was that a queef?

35. Why did she keep squeezing my balls? Didn’t I make it clear I don’t like that?

36. Shit, I made that weird orgasm face again.

37. She’s the fourth hottest girl I’ve ever been with.

38. Well, it’s official. There is no mystery left, here.

39. You know, I should really do this more often.

40. I think I’m gay.

 
 
1182 comments
mabel5050
mabel5050

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mabel5050

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HabibSThomas
HabibSThomas

I cant believe this is still going on. I commented on this in July. Ive moved on. Ive done things. Unfollow lol

chrisgrayson
chrisgrayson

50% of this is completely cliché.

The other 50% is total d*ck-baggery.

Women, you can do better.

thedoc223
thedoc223

Shame on whoever wrote this. I liked parts of it, but REALLY? A blow job after a chick flick? HE DEFINITELY WANTS TO TRY ANAL? Some ABSOLUTELY ridiculous. I'm a man, and so many of these have nothing to do with reality. Please don't take all these as fact!

blondegirl2014
blondegirl2014

lol you're crazy if you think that there aren't girls out there who are exactly what you're describing but in reverse. LOL and of course your gf is going to hit on your friends. You want to sleep with hers she'll sleep with yours. I don't know why guys like you think that girls are so different. If you treat your gf like that she will sleep with other guys behind your back and you'll probably never know. Just the same as you would do it to her. A lot of the ways that you describe women don't describe any of the girls I know. I personally hate chick flicks and I watch porn more often than my bf lmao. And my bfs ex actually was the one who cheated on him with his friends and had threesomes with them not him. And she still tries to have sex with him even tho she's now banging most of his friends. Sick and tired of guys like this who say that it's not ok for women to be this way, but it is for guys. lmao Look at any study statistically women cheat more than men. And this article is why. Because guys like you think it's ok to be this way, but your gfs can't. And why should we do what you want to do and share your interests, but we owe you if you watch a "chick flick". Girls want their bfs to share in their interests too. If you make us watch movies we don't like do you owe us a gang bang? A lot of girls I know are opting not to get married anymore or have children because of guys like you. And for the record if you hear the way some girls talk when there aren't any guys around you wouldn't say that. Have a brother? A hot best guy friend/dad. Guaranteed your gfs talked about banging him and how hot that would be. Girls just aren't as open about it because we don't want to be with a guy like that lol. And for the record not all girls or guys are this way. There are good guys out there and that's the guy that every girl wants to end up with. Sometimes we end up with a loser though. Also those guys out there who work long days and don't want to have sex often... same thing goes for girls who withhold sex. You will lose her. And asking a girl to have anal sex with you can't compare to anything that you can do for her if it hurts her. Why would you want to hurt your gf? She already has to suffer through childbirth if she has your children. If I told you it turns me on to step on your crotch with my stilettos would you let me? Maybe you should start dating gay men at least they like it.

Jesseen
Jesseen

If this described my man I would drop him in a second for being such a self centered bastard.  And if this describes all or even most men and they "can't help it"  then men are just mentally retarded and women are clearly the superior species....lol. I'm okay with that. Any woman that would waste her time settling for this description is spending a lot of wasted time on life. Just stay single if this is your only option in a man.

richard28200
richard28200

@HabibSThomas I commented back in March and still can't believe I'm getting updates.  However, I'm not surprised at the amount of beta males and women trying to tell men how they should feel.

MiscBrah
MiscBrah

@blondegirl2014 So you're justifying women being sluts by blaming men? Honestly 100% not surprised.

ViktorVaughn
ViktorVaughn

@Jesseen Female chauvinist cunt.


Why would you be with this guy in the first place, hmmm? Sounds like you'd blame him for you being a shitty judge of character, and by the sounds of your man hatred I'm assuming your current boyfriend is a cuckold yes man who doesn't even fart without asking for your permission first. The last part of your paragraph accurately describes a person like you, as well.

CarolBrower
CarolBrower

@MiscBrah @blondegirl2014 Un-eloquently as she put it, she's right. 


Why do women have to accept certain, ultra offensive and hurtful things about men, and in the same breath be told "Don't you dare do the same?" I must stroke his ego, take it up the ass,  tolerate him checking out other women, watching porn, and wanting to fuck my friends -- all but the first two being terribly damaging to the female ego -- but if he watches a movie I like I "owe" him a BJ, or anal, or a threesome? Where the hell is all of MY oral sex and m-f-m's for tolerating all of his male bs?


The anal: Every guy I've ever dated has nagged for this like it was going out of style. Yet if I ever gave any of them what they wanted, that would make me not marriage material. Hypocritical much? "I want it, but don't give it to me, lest I lose respect for you. Unless, of course, we just watched a chick flick, then you can give me anal." Yeah, right.


And about threesomes: You'd be surprised how many women want two men at once. And really, it makes a whole lot more sense, anatomically, than two women with three holes each sharing one penetration tool. How many men here would just accept that their woman will "never stop trying" to get another man into bed because "it's the ultimate fantasy," but "it's not because you aren't enough." Bull Shit. Chances are you are not adequately satisfying the one woman in your life. And if a woman was being satisfied by another woman, they sure as shit don't need YOU there. So all you males out there might want to rethink that ultimate fantasy of yours. 

activesolar
activesolar

@ViktorVaughn You hate women. You should probably date men (if you aren't already), although no decent gay man deserves your shit.

ViktorVaughn
ViktorVaughn

@activesolar @ViktorVaughn Was that supposed to hurt my feelings? Not one thing in your ad hominem attack was true, and that not-so-subtle gay bashing at the end wasn't at all necessary, nor did it paint you as the better person.

Giving women equal accountability isn't woman hatred
Telling someone who says idiotic things like "men are just mentally retarded and women are clearly the superior species" that they're chauvinists isn't woman hatred.

I know you think otherwise, but misogyny isn't a cut-and-paste offense, and doesn't apply to every occasion. If you consider me expecting people to act like decent people and not like self-entitled asshats to be "shit", then I don't know what to tell you outside of I never want to interact with someone like you outside of the internet (or on the internet, for that matter).

OstensibleTree
OstensibleTree

@activesolar @ViktorVaughn No, you just aren't special like you think you are just because you have a hole we can stick our dicks in. Your shit is getting tired and you're realizing more and more men aren't falling for your BS in regards to getting married. Men take 100% of the risk while all the females eventually take advantage of this. 


Not anymore. Pretty soon we'll be having "herbivore men", like what's happening over in Japan.

OstensibleTree
OstensibleTree

@AuroraAnnettePariseau @OstensibleTree Have you gotten raped yet? I really hope so. I'm done with your kind; you are a worthless waste of time gender that gets glorified only for your cock mitten. Guys are delusional to marry such manipulative creatures. I would say they get what they deserve, but I still spread the word as best I can to inform them what they are getting themselves into. Gold digging scum (aka, most females) should get what's coming to them. 

AuroraAnnettePariseau
AuroraAnnettePariseau

@OstensibleTree And you don't seem to deviate from the trolling. Its really hard for me to believe someone would be this stupid to believe what you wrote.

OstensibleTree
OstensibleTree

@AuroraAnnettePariseau @OstensibleTree Right, because you're an authority on what's stupid. Of course, you wouldn't dare say anything like this to my face, so keep typing behind a computer monitor. I see your Facebook is linked to your profile, maybe I'll see what info you have up there about yourself.

AuroraAnnettePariseau
AuroraAnnettePariseau

@OstensibleTree Lol as if you could hit me. Have you ever been in a fight? Seeing as YOU'RE the troll, you're the one hiding behind the screen. I'd hit you once and you fall over giving up. 

You sure talk a lot of shit about alphas being superior, but then you troll your ass off as a pussy. Get lost, and don't come back. All talk, no logic.


OstensibleTree
OstensibleTree

@AuroraAnnettePariseau @OstensibleTree  Oh boy, the dyke thinks she's a figther. You probably have been in a slapping contest, before you guys make up and scissor each other. Just because you may be the butch in your relationships doesn't mean you're as strong as a man. Now stfu, I looked on your Facebook and you are 4/10 material, 5/10 if I'm feeling generous. It also appears you have a lazy eye. Why the fuck am I talking to such a disgusting creature such as yourself? 


No wonder you go for girls, no guy wants to touch you.

AuroraAnnettePariseau
AuroraAnnettePariseau

@OstensibleTree Because I exist to please you, LOL. Have fun having a miserable, lonely, existence. 


Also, I'm not butch. I KEEP IT REAL, FUCKTARD TROLL.

OstensibleTree
OstensibleTree

@AuroraAnnettePariseau @OstensibleTree You're placing way too much value on your glory hole. Also, it's funny how you all say you don't want to be objectified, yet you always use insults that relate to sex. Oh no, the sex object says I want get laid by it if I don't pretend to act a certain way! See what you are doing there, Miss Vagina?

AuroraAnnettePariseau
AuroraAnnettePariseau

@OstensibleTree Lol you think this has to do with me?


You're the one being a fucking massive hypocrite. You started by coming in here saying women only want an "alpha."  Then you explicitly state women are only good for sex. THEN you say "Oh, I shouldn't have to act that way for sex."

TL;DR Troll.

OstensibleTree
OstensibleTree

@AuroraAnnettePariseau @OstensibleTree No dumbass, I'm saying you don't matter, sex or no. I'm perfectly happy shoving my cock inside your vagina, and just as content if I have to truck it with porn. 


And all those examples don't contradict the other. Women, real women, do want an alpha. An alpha owns his chick, but also protects her. And I don't need to act a certain way, other than be confident, and you women fall for it more than not. If a woman puts up a front then I just move on to the next target.

BeShanaman
BeShanaman

@OstensibleTree @AuroraAnnettePariseau


Okay few things... I posted on this thread probably at least 2 months ago... OstensibleTree is STILL trying to troll everyone all the while making it VERY apparent that they have absolutely no fucking life. I subscribed to the emails so I can see when people comment (a little comedic relief does my day well). What a sad existence you must lead. Taking bits and pieces of other peoples comments and firing them off aimlessly at other people. 


The lowest form of troll - the copytroll.



AuroraAnnettePariseau
AuroraAnnettePariseau

@OstensibleTree Because that is absolute truth and there is no way, in an objective sense, that it could be proven.


Oh, forgot I was talking to a two year old. PROVE IT. And please, stfu. You're not even funny.



OstensibleTree
OstensibleTree

@AuroraAnnettePariseau @OstensibleTree Females have smaller brains than males, google it. Females brains are more "middle of the road" in intelligence, if you will. Males however fluctuates on the spectrum (ie, it's why we have more geniuses on our side)

AuroraAnnettePariseau
AuroraAnnettePariseau

@OstensibleTree And yet you post no information, link, or study actually proving that. 


I took the liberty of looking it up. Yes, males tend to have larger brains. No, it is NOT attributed to intelligence. It is simply different regions that are larger. http://www.nhs.uk/news/2014/02February/Pages/Mens-and-womens-brains-found-to-be-different-sizes.aspx

If you're going to spout a fact, at least understand it. I dont think anyone would argue you would make up the low end of the spectrum for the entire species. Please, do not reproduce. 

OstensibleTree
OstensibleTree

@AuroraAnnettePariseau @OstensibleTree You're a female, so your opinion is null and void. 


And yes, larger areas of brain = chance for more "brain wrinkles" which directly correlate to intelligence, dumbshit. That's why we, as a fact, have more geniuses apart of the male gender. Any article that is wishy-washy or denies this is pandering to the female audience.


Now shush and go make me a sandwich.

AuroraAnnettePariseau
AuroraAnnettePariseau

@OstensibleTree 

1. Correlation != causation

2. Again, you have not drudged up any proof whatsoever of what you speak.

3. Some parts of the female brain are LARGER than that of the male brain. Again, something you're keen to ignore.

4. STOP TALKING. You're an idiot whose genome should be erased from existence.

AuroraAnnettePariseau
AuroraAnnettePariseau

@OstensibleTree

I linked an article explicitly stating it had nothing to do with intelligence. You're not pissing me off, you're making me feel bad for you for how stupid you are. Seriously, you claim to be an "alpha" but you have 0 intellect. I give you evidence, I give you logic, and all you can say is "women r stoopid."

Here, this will explain your inferiority. No, I'm not talking about men. I'm talking about you. http://www.alternet.org/media/most-depressing-discovery-about-brain-ever

OstensibleTree
OstensibleTree

@AuroraAnnettePariseau @OstensibleTree For all your "intelligence" you don't seem to put together much. You just aren't getting it. I'm better than you because I'm a male. I'm better than you because I'm me. Nothing is higher than the Self. Everyone around me can burn and be flayed alive for all I care, I would want to watch and laugh. That goes for my family, anyone, so long as it isn't me. I'm the only thing that matters in this world, and whatever I say goes. I'm a God afterall.


And you are nothing to me, you're not even a human being. I'm talking to an automation - a robot based around her circadian patterns that dictate her behavior.. her very existence. With a flick of my wrist I could break your neck, and end that existence. Where would your "brain power" be then? Make no mistake, you're a play-thing, and your kind will always be such. What is it, the number of little girls abused is 1-3? I'm happy to admit I've contributed to that statistic in my lifetime. What can you do about it? Nothing.


Females will always be taken advantage of, simply because you are WEAK. Even if you were smarter in general (which you aren't), males would still have their way with you and still be the better gender for that fact. It always puts a smile on my face when I see pictures of girls bashed up by males, it's only a shame that it wasn't worse. 


If it were up to me, I'd exterminate half of your entire population, while keeping the rest in cages, only to be let out for breeding purposes. I'd have my fun once in a while and perform torture - tie you up and slowly drag the knife across your body, under your finger nails, cut off your clit, poke out your eyeball. Only in a perfect world I suppose, but then, maybe I'll make plans to do it down the road eventually. Everyone deserves their own little slice of Heaven in life, don't you think?

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