In a city as populated as New York, there should be no end to the types of guys you meet while trying to find “the one.” However, I’ve had my fair share of dates in this city, and I can pretty safely narrow down the single male prototypes to a solid seven.
1. The American (or Swiss or Dutch or whatever) Psycho
You’ve seen the movie, and you can picture Christian Bale whipping out his immaculate, eggshell business card and chasing prostitutes down the spiral staircase of his gorgeous apartment building with a chainsaw. Well, I’ve never been run after by a chainsaw-wielding investment banker, but guys really do try to win you over by how classy a font they’ve got on their business cards.
2. In the Film Industry
He wears sunglasses regardless of the weather and does things like make a clicking sound with his mouth when he winks at you. Refers to the various films he’s working on by their nicknames (“Spiderman Two” = “Spidey”) and has a disappointingly small penis.
3. The Sensitive Lonely Guy
Be careful of these ones. They make you believe that you are going to be the one that saves them from their sad, lonely lives, but no matter how tenderly they kiss and how tight they hug (as if they’re hanging on for dear life), the only girl that’s got any chance of “saving” them has already been in the picture for several months, and she’s a small puppy named Ruby or Sweetiepie or Delila. The names might sound strange, but I’ve met all of these dogs.
4. The Washed Up Struggling Actor/Comedian/Writer/Musician
No matter the creative gig, these guys’ day jobs consist of picking up trash, delivering food, or if they’re lucky, serving drinks at that bar you go to if you want a guaranteed drunken lay. They are usually alcoholics, which initially seems fun, until you have to help them pay the bar tab at the end of your first date.
5. The Forever Frat Boy
This guy is single because he still thinks the best way to pick up chicks is through winning (or at least participating in) a chugging contest. He wears t-shirts that are obnoxiously bright colors with phrases on them that include the word “party” and usually has a bong stashed somewhere under the dirty boxers covering the floor of a room in an apartment he shares with his several, former frat brothers in the Lower East Side.
6. The Too Nice Nice Guy
He’s so tolerant of your girlfriends’ complaints and high-pitched giggles that you almost wish he would lash out and punch them already. When you orgasm before he does, he high fives you for a job a well done.
7. The Not-So-Single “Single” Guy
Rings can make their way off the ring finger, people. And when they do, you’ve got the particularly slippery “single” guy who’s mysterious, post-coital disappearing act only becomes clear when he opens his wallet to a picture of a woman ten years your senior smiling up at you and holding a fat, happy five-month-old in her arms.
Surely there are additional types out there I’ve missed, but with some luck and perseverance, I should be able to extend this list to at least ten pretty soon.