Have You Hated The Miami Heat Today? Here, Have Some More

7/17/13 2:56PM EST

The first 20 seconds of this video angered up my blood somethin’ fierce. “One could have been a fluke, but two is legit…” as these words entered my ears I started to yell at my computer for a little bit. When I stopped yelling, I realized that former porn star Jessie Rogers used that false statement to tear into a hilarious takedown of the Miami Heat.

Her list of 6 reasons is pretty solid, but I make my own list at the bottom. Here’s her list:

    • 6. Miami fans are band-wagoning pieces of garbage. I agree wholeheartedly. Their attendance was shaky and they tend to bounce out before the game is over. Even worse, they care more about how tan they look in their “White Hot” playoff shirts than the supposed home-court advantage their presence offers. I would love to get into all the reasons Miami sports fans are just the worst, but let’s save that for a rainy day.
    • 5. “Dwyane Wade’s flair for the dramatics,” as the lovely Ms. Rogers puts it. Oh, Mr. Wade. I won’t pick on the spelling of your name too hard, due to the possibility of your mother being dyslexic, but why the HELL does the “y” come before the “a?” Your name makes no sense, but then again, none of the decisions you have made in oh, the past 5 years, make any sense. Full disclosure: I despise Wade by default, because instead of coming home to the Bulls and his hometown, he decided to flop around on the beach with LeBald and Bosh. But, as Ms. Rogers points out, Wade’s flopping rivals the dramatics of European ballers like Ginobili and Ricky Rubio. However, it’s hard to single out Wade alone as a flopper, because this whole roster does it.
    • 4. The whole team’s penchant for flopping. The prevalence of flopping basketball players on this team was enough for Mark Cuban to throw $100,000 at a “study of flopping” in the NBA. With the amount of Miami Heat players flopping and diving to the court, feigning injury with even the slightest amount of contact, I would not be surprised at all if the Heat retain acting coaches on their staff.Maybe in the off-season they travel to Europe to find out how the world’s best soccer players flop to manipulate the refs. Modern day sports teams spare no expenses when it comes to developing their players, so it’s pretty clear to me that this level of flopping (and mugging for the cameras at all points throughout the game) comes from the top of the organization and rolls downhill.Look at Pat Riley, for example. You can find him in a suit, behind the bench, pouting like a little baby whenever things don’t go his way (like the rest of his team). Spoelstra is even worse. I really think he was only hired because of his ability to mug for the cameras. With LBJ, Bosh, and Wade, I’m pretty sure anybody could at least break .500 with this lineup. Maybe not Vinny Del Negro, but you know what I mean.
    • 3. The “Carlton Banks” fashion attire that the Big Three are so fond of. I don’t know why the hell many NBA players started dressing like nerds. Kevin Durant makes it absolutely hysterical. Why? Because he plays the game like a grown-ass man and not a middle schooler that cries when he gets a boo-boo. Durant’s nerd outfit is hilarious because of the irony. How can a guy who is such a bad-ass be a nerd? That’s why it’s funny. When Dwyane Wade dons a pair of capris, a cardigan, and thick glasses for a post-game interview, Wade becomes the joke.
    • 2. Lebron’s receding hairline. It is plain to see that Lebron is a little insecure about his impending baldness. As someone who is genetically likely to share the same plight as Lebron (the baldness thing, not the 6’8” 255-pound thing), I judge the hell out of people who cover up their baldness. Yes, your hair will someday fall out. Deal with it like a man!
    • 1. Bosh. See, this is where Ms. Rogers and I differ. I am neutral on Bosh. Yes, I hate him when he is playing the Bulls. But, in my eyes, he is the least of the Three Evils. Lebron is the best player out of the three, the most gifted, most famous, most paid, whatever. Dwyane Wade is the ringleader, the guy who already peaked and is starting to decline. Wade is the guy who supposedly cooked up this whole “Big Three” plan a few summers ago, and in my eyes is just as culpable as Lebron. Bosh is the least terrible of the three. He’s just an athletic, versatile power forward stuck in the body of a very large pre-historic, flightless bird. What was he supposed to do? Keep playing in Toronto? The poor bastard. Of course he came to Miami! Do you want to live in south Florida, or Canada? If you said Canada, go ahead and unplug your computer.While I can mostly agree with the lovely Ms. Rogers and her reasons for hating the Heat, this is my personal list.

Here’s my list:

    • 5. Geography: Yes, I am allowed to hate on the fact that they are in Miami and I am stuck in the Midwest. They don’t get winter! It’s not fair! But, they do get hurricanes and mosquitoes the size of my damn thumb, so I guess it’s a wash.
    • 4. Miami sports fans: I could write a whole book about how much Miami sports fans suck. I’m sure someone has already beaten me to it. To recap: they don’t know about the sports they pretend to be fans of, are chronic bandwagoners, and are a pathetic crowd that has to be told when and what to cheer. Screw Miami.
    • 3. Dwyane Wade: For all of the aforementioned reasons. Screw this guy.
    • 2. Spoelstra/Riley: A gruesome twosome of the pouty crybaby variety. Ugh.
    • 1. Lebron. If I ever visit New Orleans, I plan on purchasing a Lebron Voodoo doll. I will prod the knees of said Voodoo doll with needles every damn day.

 

 
 
1 comments
MaraBollenbacher
MaraBollenbacher

You seriously managed to spell Stanford wrong in the headline... wow. 

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