You probably think your dog is all set with the few basic necessities you’ve provided him or her: Leash, food bowl, water bowl, brush, some toys… nothing fancy. Well, you’re wrong, because there are so many other things that you can buy, and almost none of them are necessities.

1. Dog High Chairs

Nothing says “I love you more than people” like letting your dog sit at the table in its own special chair that holds it completely immobilized. According to Hammacher Shclemmer, this chair “promotes more refined behavior.” It probably also promotes the occasional bout of panicked urination.

2. Dog Beer

For the pet owner who insists that their dog needs beer, Bowser Beer offers flavors like Beefy Brown Ale and Cock-a-Doodle Brew — beef and chicken flavors mixed with malt barley.

3. Dog Perfume

Sexy Beast doesn’t discriminate by gender; its unisex pet fragrances are suitable for both male and female. “One small spritz and your pooch will smell amazing!” says the Sexy Beast website, which raises the question of why you’d want your dog to smell sexy in the first place.

4. Giant Lips

If you enjoy making your dog look like an idiot, Humunga Lips is an excellent choice. A ball on one side is combined with a pair of giant red lips on the other so “your ‘Angelina Jolie wannabe’ can now be as pouty and pursed as her celebrity crush,” according to The Moody Pet. All dogs admire Angelina Jolie and want to look just like her, so of course you’ll be buying this toy right away.

5. PooTrap

Pooping on the ground is so last year. With the PooTrap, you can actually harness a plastic bag to your dog’s rear end so when they squat down, there’s nothing for you to clean up and no way for your pet to ever recapture their dignity.

6. Nail Polish

Yes, colored nail polish for dogs. Theoretically, you could just buy regular human nail polish and apply it to your dog’s nails, but where’s the fun in that?

7. Tweet Tag

For the ultimate in stalking, attach the Puppy Tweets electronic dog tag to your pet’s collar and connect the USB drive to your computer, then watch as it records motion to determine what the dog is doing. Whether it’s sleeping, eating or wandering around, the Puppy Tweets device will tweet one of 500 “humorous” phrases on Twitter so you can pretend your dog is talking to you.

8. Butt Ornaments

Normally, it’s kind of assumed that occasionally catching a glimpse of a dog’s anus is an everyday part of being a pet owner. Rear Gear is out to change that, however; the company offers a variety of ornaments intended to hang from a pet’s tail to cover their butt so you no longer have to suffer the indignity of seeing an animal’s ass rather than a smiley face or a little sheriff’s star.

9. Dog Sling

A cross between a baby carrier and a purse, this sling allows you to strap your dog in and sling it over your shoulder like a living fashion accessory. It is called the Puppoose.

10. Poop Tent

Perhaps you’re not into the whole “covering a dog’s butt with an ornament” scene, and that’s cool. But you still have to watch them poop — or do you? With the Poop Tent, you don’t. It seems that there are so many people who are offended at the idea of dogs pooping outdoors that this tent was invented so dogs could be stuffed inside it to do their business.

11. Dog IQ Kit

Maybe your dog is secretly a genius; you should probably buy an IQ kit to find out. PoochIQ, a company that makes dog intelligence testing kits, is currently on a break, which is just as well, since you can do basic intelligence tests at home without paying for any equipment.

12. Dog Washing Machine

This machine shown in Reader’s Digest looks like the soggiest, bubbliest to traumatize your dog ever invented.

13. Doggles

If you were hoping these would be goggles for dogs, you’re in luck — and what stylish goggles they are!

14. Thongs For Dogs

Pants for Dogs understands that some dogs need diapers for their untrained bladders, and that those bladders should be in the form of thongs. Described as “fun and fashionable” and “a bit sassy,” Thongs for Dogs are made with spandex and are available in a variety of colors and patterns.