20 Disturbing Photos The Elf On The Shelf Never Wanted You To See
Do you know anyone who likes the Elf on the Shelf? In general, it seems to be used solely by parents with a twisted sense of humor (or no sense of humor at all) who like to usher in the holiday season by terrifying their children. Not convinced it’s the creepiest thing you’ll ever see? Check out these pictures and try not to have nightmares about the Elf on the Shelf sitting there… watching you… forever. (And also murdering you.)
1. The Lite Beer Elf
The Elf on the Shelf is kind of having a hard time right now, OK? It’s Christmas. He’s unemployed. He’s going through some stuff. Just be cool and don’t ask him to clean his vomit out of your couch. It’s lite beer vomit, anyway.
2. The Pooping Elf
I’ll never be able to see another elf without thinking about it evacuating its bowels on top of cookies.
3. The Elf That is Possessed by the Spirit of the Overlook Hotel
The Elf on the Shelf can watch you from the bathroom sink just as well as it can watch you from a shelf. Make sure your elf is placed in a prominent position so the children in your life will know that it’s always watching them… always. Watching and judging and planning terrible things for children who don’t behave.
4. The Evil Kitchen Elf
What happened to your big knife, you ask? Oh, don’t worry about it. The Elf on the Shelf has taken care of all of the knives. Allllll of the knives.
5. The Elf Who Hates Your Children
This elf resents your children, and not in a whimsical way. It starts with drawing moustaches and glasses on their pictures, but where does it end? With him murdering them and taking their place, that’s where.
6. Dexter’s Apprentice
This elf doesn’t quite have Dexter’s method down correctly — he didn’t even use any plastic wrap — but he looks like a quick learner. He removed the head and created a nice blood-spatter pattern, so he’ll get there eventually.
7. The Strip Club Elf
The smug grin is what makes this the most disturbing. He knows you can see him — and he doesn’t care. He flouts your wholesome family values. He has money to burn, and this stripper doll needs some singles; it’s a match made in Christmas hell.
8. The Stalker Elf
No one tries to get rid of the Elf on the Shelf. NO ONE.
9. The Toilet Elf
If this elf can get into your toilet, where else can it get into? What other objects of yours can it gleefully rub all over the inside of a toilet bowl? This elf doesn’t give a fuck. It will sneak into every corner and crevice of your house and violate all your personal possessions with that same creepy smile on its face.
10. The Puppy-Hating Elf
Molly the bulldog is no match for this elf, and she knows it. As it slowly rises out of her fur, a jolly grin on its face and murder in its heart, she knows that even though she is a stout, muscular bulldog, she is done for.
11. The Satisfied Elf
Elves jerking off on other elves. You can never unsee this.
12. Psycho Torture Elf
It’s like a combination of Jigsaw and Chucky. By dressing up your Elf on a Shelf like a psychotic torture master, you can instill a lifelong fear and horror of dolls in anyone who visits your house this year and also guarantee that they’ll never come back. It’s a win-win!
13. The Creepy Couple
One of them likes to do terrible things to Barbies. The other one just likes to watch. It’s a pretty messed up relationship.
14. The Upside-Down Lurker
Oh, you didn’t notice me up here, waiting to silently drop down onto your face like the alien face-huggers from “Alien”? Carry on. Don’t mind me. I’ll just scurry over to the next overhead light fixture when you’re not looking.
15. The Buyer
Stop! Look away! He didn’t want you to see him like this; he never wanted you to know about this terrible habit — eh, never mind. He doesn’t really care. He’s a hollow, soulless shell who has nothing left but the booze and the pills.
16. The Persistent Elf
No one gets rid of the Elf on the Shelf. People have tried… tried and failed. The Elf on the Shelf always find its way home, whether you want it to or not.
17. Miley Cyrus Elf
It’s just like Miley Cyrus. The Christmas ornament is its wrecking ball, and its evil plan is to get the song “Wrecking Ball” stuck in your head for the entire Christmas season. This elf wants to drive you insane.
18. The Horny Elf
I bet this elf likes to cut holes in the bottom of popcorn boxes, too.
19. Tony Montana’s BFF
Based on his crazed, goggling eyes, this elf has already had more than his share of cocaine, but nothing is ever enough for him. Look at him coveting that big pile of elf drugs. I bet he has a tiny machine gun hidden somewhere so he can take care of anyone who tries to cheat him out of his rightful share.
20. Shotgun Elf
Taking the top spot for most disturbing, this elf has gotten its hands on a shotgun, and is clearly determined to use it no matter how disproportionate it is to his body. This is truly the most wonderful time of the year — the time when sentient dolls are allowed access to weapons.