21 Photos The Mensch On A Bench Doesn’t Want You To See
The Elf on the Shelf isn’t the only one who gets to have disturbing fun this holiday season. The newest addition to the festivities, the Mensch on a Bench, is itching to break free and behave badly. Although his face doesn’t have quite the same murderous grin as the Elf on the Shelf, it looks like he still knows how to get weird.
1. The Wino
This Mensch likes his wine a little too much, it seems. And he’s somehow gained telekinetic powers, making the bottle levitate without even touching it! There might be a “Children of the Corn” situation developing here.
2. The Overdoser
At least he’s classy enough to drink out of a nice decorative jug before he passes out on your kitchen floor next to an open flame.
3. “The Shining” Mensch
The Overlook Hotel spares no one. Before you know what’s happened, the Mensch will be wielding a sledgehammer and busting down bathroom doors so he can stick his face inside and do his best Jack Nicholson impression.
4. The Prison Guard
This Mensch forgot to mention that keeping female supervillain dolls in cages is one of his favorite pastimes; he also neglected to tell you that his favorite singer is Madonna. The horror!
5. The Pee-Lover
First it’s Santa accidentally peeing himself while he’s sleeping — then it’s you. YOU’RE NEXT. You’ll be so embarrassed.
6. The Leopard Whisperer
The leopard leans closer, drawn by the hypnotizing flicker of the Mensch’s candle and the mesmerizing gleam of his blindingly white teeth. Closer… closer. It licks its lips, knowing its prey is almost within reach. The Mensch sits, innocently smiling. Closer… closer. Before the leopard can realize its mistake and run away, the Mensch unhinges its jaw and swallows it whole.
7. The Voyeur
You think you can sneak away and get busy without the Mensch watching? Think again. He’s always watching.
8. The Supervillain
“No, Mr. Elf… I expect you to die.”
9. Mensch with a Knife
He looks pretty comfortable with that large knife. Maybe potatoes aren’t the only thing he’s planning on slicing.
10. Jigsaw Mensch
The Elf on the Shelf isn’t the only one who can dress up like a creepy torturer. It’s all part of the holiday magic!
11. The Millennial
First it’s YOLO, then it’s using 50 hashtags on every tweet and taking Instagram photos of his Hanukkah meal. Where does the madness end?!
12. The Precise Drinker
His bottles of alcohol are appropriately sized… but they’re still full. And based on his choice of beverages, he’s ready to get inappropriately crazy.
13. The Traffic Accident Causer
Happy Hanukkah! Keep your eyes on the road while I drop down from your rearview mirror, simultaneously giving you a heart attack and blocking the center of your windshield.
14. The Barfer
Tequila was a bad choice.
15. The Watcher
He’s seen everything… and he likes it. He’s not even ashamed. This Mensch is daring you to ask him what exactly he’s been doing with that hot candle wax.
16. Playing Doctor
This one likes needles and isn’t putting up with any more of the Elf of the Shelf’s bullshit. The elf’s life is in his hands now!
17. The Smasher
You can just tell that the Elf on the Shelf wants to smash the shit out of this fragile piece of china. But the Mensch? He’s going to smash it and then blame it on the elf. This rivalry has only just begun to get started, and it won’t stop until everything you own has been destroyed.
18. The Snowman Murderer
The Mensch will melt this snowman, and he’ll do it with a huge smile on his face. He feels nothing for snowmen.
19. The Butt Scratcher
Not content simply to put your toothbrush inside a toilet, the Mensch thinks it would be a better idea to rub his little plush butt on it. He seems to be enjoying it a little too much.
20. The Defecator
I guess all small, plush dolls excrete Hershey’s kisses. Think about that the next time you’re eating chocolate.
21. The Hider
Much like other possessed, murderous dolls, this Mensch enjoys hiding in nooks and crannies and then leaping out at people’s heads… either that or just peeking out from his hiding place and laughing maniacally to himself, then going back into hiding until you think it’s safe. But guess what — IT’S NEVER SAFE.