When you picture women’s brunch talk, your mind may automatically ping over to “Sex and the City,” wherein Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda play around with salads while carrying on four individual monologues about their current relationships. In real life, women don’t necessarily lower their voices to a whisper when talking dirty over some omelettes, and they certainly have more to talk about at brunch than their boyfriends (or lack thereof). So if not the latest relationship drama, what does the usual lady brunch talk tend to focus on?

1. How Our Periods Have Been Treating Us

“Poorly” is usually the answer.

2. What Bad Gas We Have

Nothing a hearty, diner-style breakfast can’t amplify!

3. … Because Of The Drinking We Did The Night Before

Lots of beer will do that to a lady.

4. Creepy Male Strangers

From the bar lurker last night to that elderly guy who keeps winking at all of us from the corner booth, this presents a source of endless conversation material.

5. Unwanted Butt Fingering

It happens to the best of us. Guys love to try and work their way up there. Sometimes we like it, and sometimes we don’t.

6. Extra Bacon

There is no brunch without extra bacon.

7. How We Like To Kill Our Food Before We Eat It

This usually pertains to items like waffles. Or bacon. Spearing our breakfasts/lunches with forks can easily be likened to the hunt.

8. What Our Poops From This Morning Looked Like

We also usually bring rulers with us to help demonstrate the exact size for our brunching companions. (Just kidding. Hands serve that purpose just fine.)

9. “Crossroads” And Other Amazing Films

We may discuss further heinously awful movies from the ’90s that may or may not include Britney Spears.

10. Needy Men

What is it with boyfriends who can’t spend time by themselves these days? It seems like men are the new women, am I right??

11. Every Time We’ve Ever Been Drunk Together

Rehashing other nights that have led to similar hangovers never gets old when the mimosas are flowing.

12. How Good Grease Tastes In The Morning

It may serve as the only factor to sooth a stomach screaming in anger at its treatment from the night before.

13. How Hot (Or Not) The Waiter Is

Debating who will leave her number in ketchup on the last empty plate can turn into some great brunching banter.

14. Plots To Take Down Our Enemies

The kinds of friends you agree to meet for an early morning weekend meal (afternoons equal mornings during weekends) are the ones who will listen to your hate speech about your boss’s pet. They will also help you concoct a scheme to overpower your co-worker nemesis.

15. Whose Boyfriends Suck

A lot of our friends have boyfriends that we don’t love, to put it lightly. When we’re at brunch with the ladies, we get to pick apart exactly how and why we dislike the men who are undeserving of our other friends.

16. The Dumbest Things Our Co-Workers Did That Past Friday

No one wants to focus on work during the weekends, but explaining your co-workers’ stupid moments to real friends will make you feel saner about your work environment.

17. Who Ordered The Best

Melanie’s chocolate chip pancakes with a side of turkey bacon tastes surprisingly amazing; beats out Stephania’s limp waffle and Lizzy’s overcooked burger.

18. Which One Of Us Looks The Most Like A Homeless Person

We will argue about who looks the most like they’ve just rolled out of bed/off the stoop if it’s a weekend morning. We’ll also each root for ourselves as the most disheveled looking, unless there’s an otherwise obvious winner.

19. How Uncomfortable Bras Are

They’re like cages for boobs, and worn-out weekend bodies are extra sensitive.

20. Whomever Any Of Us Slept With That Weekend

While it’s still fresh in our minds, we’ve got to spill the details.

21. How The Sex Was

Like I said, fresh details are important.

22. Gossip Concerning Mutual Friends

If Rachel and Greg from high school got married, we’ll probably make fun of how we imagine the ceremony will be.

23. Our Dreams

This doesn’t pertain to our high-falutin’ goals in life, but rather what happened in our brains when we slept the night before and how that nightmare involving a machete-wielding clown chase is currently affecting our moods.

24. Plans To Call In Sick On Monday

Recounting the weekend and acting like deranged people at brunch always makes you want to freeze time and forever dwell in your days off.

25. Current Events…

… as they pertain to our hangovers. Like, “Some guy whining on the subway about how he’s opposed to the expansion of the Frick collection was not helping my headache on my way over here.”