4 Reasons Your Relationships Aren’t Working Out
Do you spend most of your time fluctuating between “Why do I even bother?” and “I can’t live without them?” Here are a few things you may want to consider if your relationships haven’t been working out.
1. There hasn’t been enough time between relationships.
We all probably know a friend who goes through relationships faster than toilet paper. Churning through relationships at that speed could be problematic for several reasons. For most of us, it takes time to recover and let residual feelings work themselves out. Jumping into another relationship too fast means you’ll have to recover from the old one and be present in the new one at the same time. Don’t lie to yourself. It ain’t gonna happen.
Other times, people jump into relationships because they’re lonely, they want to get married or they want to get over someone else. Again, these are all bad reasons that will inevitably complicate things. Before getting involved, be sure you’re going in with a clean slate.
2. One (or both) of you is not ready.
This issue might tie into issue number one, but could happen for various reasons. The common saying goes, “You can’t love another if you don’t love yourself.” Sure, you can date, marry, divorce, remarry, etc. — all while being unhappy with yourself. But that doesn’t mean any of it will work out. It’s nearly impossible to be happy and secure with anyone when you are wading through jealousy, depression, resentment or any other heavy feelings. When both people are stuck in their own negativity, it gets even more complicated and harder to communicate.
In the long run, a relationship won’t fix any of your personal problems. It’s common for us to repeat the same mistakes with different people. Shuffling through people until you find the one that solves all your problems is a nice thought, but it never really happens. It’s important to recognize why you choose certain types of people, especially if things keep ending in disaster. In this case, taking a break until you’ve worked things out alone is your best bet.
3. You’re opposites.
But opposites attract, don’t they? Actually, according to a recent study (and common sense), people who are similar usually get together and stay together more frequently. Similar people have fewer conflicting values and tend to be in general agreement about how they want to live their lives. There may be an initial fascination between opposite partners, but people are often attracted to qualities in others that they feel they themselves lack. The problem is, it’s not wise to expect another person to complete you.
Of course, being in complete congruence isn’t necessary. However, if you are dating someone who is very different from you, be prepared to put in some extra work.
4. You’re exactly the same.
You and your partner are so much alike that it’s almost as if you’re dating yourself. Gross. At first, it was probably wonderful. They understood you, there was synergy and you were ready to get married after about four days. However, in relationships like this, how you feel about yourself can have a significant effect. If your partner has the same flaws you have, it’s possible that these things will really agitate you. After all, you deal with enough of those issues on your own. Being around your partner could become a reminder of everything you’re trying to escape in yourself.
Another potential problem that stems from similarity is the barrier to having your needs met. If two people are alike, they may expect the same things from each other, often without even realizing it. When neither party is able to fulfill a role, both start to get antsy, sometimes without even realizing their own subconscious expectations.
For example, if two busy, career-oriented people start dating, both may expect the other to schedule time for dates and alone time. Then, the alone time doesn’t happen. Everyone gets upset. In this case, having clarity and being transparent about your expectations will help.