$45,000 ‘Swag Bag’ Awaits Oscar Losers

$45,000 ‘Swag Bag’ Awaits Oscar Losers

Image via StacieStauffSmith/Shutterstock

Image via StacieStauffSmith/Shutterstock

There will be a lot more losers than winners at Sunday night’s Academy Awards ceremony, and everyone knows the whole bit about, “It was an honor just to be nominated,” is a bunch of bull when it’s all said and done. That’s why the losers in the major categories of Best Director, Best Actor, Best Actress and Best Supporting Actor and Actress receive the creative and extravagant “swag bags” the morning after they miss out on Oscar glory.

Officially titled the “Everyone Wins at the Oscars Nominee Gift Bag,” the goodies have been sent to nominees by marketing firm Distinctive Assets for the past 11 years—and they’re nothing to sneeze at, either. This year’s bag is worth more than $45,000, in fact. And that’s a drop in the bucket compared to previous years’ swag bags. As recent as 2010, the gift items totaled $100,000 and were also awarded to Oscar presenters and performers—but then Uncle Sam decided he wanted his share of the gift value. Still, if a $12,000 trip to Australia, $3,000 stays at the St. Regis Punta Mita Resort in Mexico and a $1,800 one-year membership to Heathrow Airport’s VIP service don’t cheer up the losing nominees, will anything? Maybe Windex will!

Yes, there are some pretty odd gifts in this year’s swag bag, as well. In addition to Windex and Diet Pepsi, the gift bags include unusual items such as a $600 acupuncture session, Gleener: The Ultimate Fuzz Remover, a water purification system, and Leeza Gibbons’ memoir, “Take 2: Your Guide to Happy Endings and New Beginnings,” because that’s just what Stephen Spielberg has always wanted to read.

Other items sure to distract nominees from their recent losses include the Screen-top iPad keyboard, Jays of Sweden mobile musical headsets and Hydroxycut gummies. Although I’m not sure whose bright idea idea it was to include the artwork “Abraham” by Dan Duff. Sure, it’s a signed, limited edition print of President Lincoln, but if Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor, will Denzel, Joaquin and Hugh really want a constant reminder of their loss hanging on the wall?

Then there’s some great goodies for 9-year-old Best Actress nominee Quvenzhane Wallis in the swag bag. Sure she may get a kick out of the $400 lessons from Le Petit Cirque, America’s only all-kid professional Cirque troupe. But how about the six-pack of Naked Condoms, the bottle of Bonita Platinum Tequila and the Njoy King electronic cigarette? It’s a “True Hollywood Story” in the making.

All in all, though, the bag is pretty sweet and certainly must take away some of the sting of Oscar loserdom. And hey, they can always make their own golden statuette with their brand-new customized wax sculptures from Southern Baked Candle!

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Samantha Lile