This is the kinda shit I find both hilarious and sad at the same time. Just the knowledge that SugarDaddyForMe.com exists—a website specifically designed to unite old rich dudes with shallow young hotties—makes my soul throw up a little. I mean, I’m all in favor of people going after what they want in life, but Jesus Christ, do you have to be so lazy about it?

There used to be at least a little song and dance about couplings like this. In the old days, when you saw a wrinkled-up dude with a Rolex and a Bentley and a sexy half-Asian chick young enough to be his granddaughter on his arm, they could pretend that they were brought together by fate and kismet. Sure, they seemed like an unlikely pair, but they have so many interests in common, like a shared love of jazz and old Humphrey Bogart movies and blah, blah, blah.

This kind of matchmaking takes all the sport out of it. It’s like shopping  for your soul mate on Amazon. It’s fucking tacky.

Oh well, I’m not here to judge. What do you say we get to the results of this earth-shattering survey revealing exactly what wealthy older men are looking for in a woman.

Well, they don’t fuck around. The first question asks what is the ideal woman’s body type, and 36 percent of those asked selected “slim” with “athletic” fairly close behind at 28 percent. The lowest selection was “BBW,” which scored only 3 out of 1,352 votes, not even registering on the scale. What a shock.

Next, the survey has the balls to ask about preferred race. Hey, no one should expect a site called SugarDaddyForMe to show any signs of enlightenment, right? Anyway, 62 percent of these guys want a white girl. Coming in at a distant second is “mixed race” with 11 percent.

Let’s go to height, shall we? Turns out, most of these guys want a woman between 5’ and 5’7”, but not so much over 6’ or under 5’.

Hair color? Blonde at 36 percent. Eye color? Blue at 44 percent. Wow, we’re really shattering stereotypes here, aren’t we?

But what do you say we delve a little deeper? Let’s get a little more specific and discuss how important certain physical characteristics are. For example, 51 percent of the men surveyed considered a sensual body and a beautiful smile “very important,” while only 44 percent feel that way about a beautiful face, which, I gotta admit, I find a little surprising. A scant 26 percent by the way, rank beautiful hair as “very important.” So off to the gym and the dentist with you, ladies. Stop spending so much money at makeup counters and hair salons.

When asked which one body feature they thought was most important, 30 percent of these guys picked “slim body.” I thought we already covered that. Next in line were “great legs,” “big breasts,” and “round butt,” with “narrow waist” and “curvy hips” trailing far behind.

Can you guess a woman’s ideal age? Keep in mind, these are horny old rich dudes. Did you guess 20’s? Of course you did. Only 6% prefer a woman over 45, but that same number wants a girl under 21, which ventures into “gross” territory.

Now, here’s where the survey gets very telling. Up until now, we’ve been focusing solely on physical appearance. And the one single question that asks about a woman’s personality is phrased this way: “Which of the following trait [sic] do you find to be the least attractive?” The big winners here were “drama queen,” “demanding,” and “too much drugs.” Weird phrasing on that last one, huh?

The final question of the survey asks about the ideal age gap between a man and a woman. I suspect dishonesty in this one, because we already discussed the ideal age for a woman, but the winner was “11-15 years younger than me.” And you know what? “Approximately the same age as me” only scored two more votes than “more than 40 years younger than me.” Wow.

So there you have it. Older Men with fat wallets want slim young blondes who keep their mouths shut. Spread the word.

Hey, I study these surveys so you don’t have to.