Cheaters Never Win

20th Century Fox/Unfaithful

If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s cheating. And obviously, I’m not talking about looking on your neighbor’s answers during your Philosophy 101 quiz. No one gives a shit about that, you’re only cheating yourself, etc. But screwing around on your significant other is a shitty thing to do, and no matter what circumstances factor into it, there’s really never a valid excuse.

If it’s about temptation, well you gotta resist that shit. I promise you, you’ll feel good about yourself in the morning. If you’re doing it for revenge or something like that, well your relationship’s already doomed. Just end it. In fact, that’s a good rule of thumb in general. Before you stick your dick in someone else (or allow a dick to be stuck inside you, depending), just break up with the person you’re with. It’s the least you can fucking do.

To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never been a participant in any form of infidelity. I’ve never personally cheated on anyone—well, not really. I admit one time when I was drunk at a party in college, I made out with a chick who was not my girlfriend for a minute or two, but I felt so guilty about it, I told on myself. That was a terrible idea, by the way. If I’d banged that chick, it would’ve been one thing, but while telling my girlfriend about playing tonsil-hockey with another woman did alleviate my guilt, it only made her feel bad.

And I’ve never been cheated on, or at least if I have, I never found out about it, and I’m fine with that. I do have my suspicions about one woman in particular, but there were a lot of reasons that relationship ended, and not all of them were her fault. If she was doing another guy, that would have just been yet another log on the fire, so I’d just rather not know about it.

Now, the third category is a little more mysterious. I’ve been with my fair share of women, and at least a few of them were one-nighters. I can’t say for sure whether any of these ladies were married or had boyfriends. But if they did, I didn’t know about it, which, as far as I’m concerned, absolves me or responsibility. There was one time when a woman admitted she had a boyfriend pretty late in the process, and I abandoned ship right away. It was tough to do, but I put my pants on and went home. I don’t want to get involved with someone else’s problems. I got problems of my own, you know?

I guess some people get turned on by the whole “forbidden” aspect of infidelity, and I can understand that. But there’s “good forbidden” and there’s “bad forbidden.” “Good forbidden” is when you get as freaky as you want to be, but no one’s getting hurt. “Good forbidden” requires creativity and imagination. “Bad forbidden” just requires poor judgment and a mean spirit.

Anyway, I’m far from a goody-two-shoes, but when people’s feeling and shit are involved, I try my best to live by that golden rule. Be one of the good guys.