How To Bullsh*t Your Way Through Anything

Universal Studios/ Liar Liar

The majority of accomplished people you meet have no idea what they’re lecturing about half of the time. This is true of most people, but the talented few who trick you into believing their integrity have some real lectures to give on the art of bullshitting. Here are some of their most surefire tips:

1. Smile

That shit-eating grin will put anyone off from challenging your authority.

2. Speak In An Authoritative Tone

Usually just speaking in a decent British accent will accomplish this for you.

3. Master Your Internet Research

Ten minutes looking up any topic on the Internet will give you enough information to appear knowledgeable (because that’s just about the sum total anyone else knows on the subject, anyway).

4. Don’t Ask Questions

Feel like you might be typing the wrong formula into that Excel spreadsheet while your supervisor’s glaring over your shoulder? Do not ask her for help writing the correct equation. Go back to Internet research for this one. As long as you never ask a single breathing human being for help, no one will ever know you were uncertain about anything.

5. Tell People You’ve “Got the Situation Under Control”

HBO via

HBO via

So the office microwave is on fire from your foil-covered lunch and there isn’t a fire extinguisher in sight. Whip out this line in a gruff, deep voice while making some kind of reassuring and firm arm gesture and people might just believe you’ve got a plan.

6. Use Big Words

As long as what you’re saying sounds impressive and can elude others’ understanding, people will defer to the vocab.

7. Defeat Others’ Arguments

You don’t even have to go through the trouble of proving that you know what you’re talking about, here. Just show that your opponents don’t, and you’ve won by default.

8. Dress The Part

If you’re applying for a job in fashion, throw something vintage together with an essential from this season. If you’re trying to win a case in court, put on a well-cut suit. If you would like to entertain in a circus, draw on a clown face. It’s that simple.

9. Flaunt A College Degree

Even if your graphic design savvy friend put it together for you last weekend, couldn’t hurt to frame and hang this somewhere those whom you need to impress will be sure to see it.

10. Pensively Rub Your Chin Before You Respond To Someone

Then look that person square in the eye and say, “That’s true about life, too.”

11. Express Indignation…

…whenever someone asks you a question you don’t know the answer to.

12. Laugh Hysterically

NBC/ via

NBC/ via imgur

You’ve got to have a grasp of the situation if you can find it so damn funny, right? Perhaps you’ve discovered subtleties in the humor that no one else in the room’s IQs can grasp. Maybe people will simply think you are crazy and leave you alone to bullshit for as long as you please.

13. Give Lots Of Compliments

It will distract people from anything other than the brand, new idea that they really like you. This works especially well when you compliment the receiver of your bullshit’s appearance.

14. Name Drop

“As I was telling President Obama yesterday…”

15. Use Statistics to “Prove” Your Point

Despite the old adage that “90% of statistics are made up,” you will always impress your audience if you throw out a number to go with your claims.

16. Use Dates

Another instance in which numbers make your claim seem more likely, whatever it might be. “No, I’m pretty sure it was closer to ’98 when they stopped manufacturing the older spork model.”

17. Cite A Language Barrier

Have a “more complicated” idea you need to express? Why not tell your companions you’d have trouble expressing it in English, for your grasp of Chinese on this subject is really far superior.

18. Just Straight Up Use Another Language

Start speaking in French very fast. It’s fine if you have no idea what you’re saying as long as no one else does, either.

19. Blame Train Delays

Late to a business meeting? Distracted at a job interview? Tell your boss or interviewer that you are just so discombobulated because the train was fifteen minutes late and then delayed underground for about an hour. With the millions of variables concerning the subway system, people will have to believe you.

20. Cite Books/Other Written References

Footnoting your conversation will have the same effect as footnoting your research paper. People will start smiling, using big words, and scratching their chins at you!