MinusIQ Pill Makes Idiots Tolerable

Feel like you’re alone in a world of Wal-Mart idiots? Trust me, you’re not. Sometimes I can just see the word stupid written on people’s faces, and that’s before they open their mouths. Maybe it’s because I live too close to Arkansas, but I doubt it. The folks at Sleepthinker have created a concept (that means it’s not real for all you intellectually-challenged folk out there) that would even the playing field for those of us at our wit’s end from all the idiocy around us. The MinusIQ pill works off of a “If you can’t beat them, join them” premise, and promises to permanently lower your intelligence quotient by 10, 30 or 50 points.

So you’re already wondering why you would ever want to lower your IQ, right? Well, according to the faux commercial, life is just simpler and happier when you’re dumb. Sleepthinker recommends lowering your IQ to about 70. Why 70?

“With an IQ of 70 you can still tie your shoelaces and write an average rap song,” said Cornelius Grouppe, neurologist and senior research chemist at Sleepthinker. “Jump off the roof, drive drunk, set your own flatulence on fire, all of these meaningless and dangerous activities that your never tried will become very enjoyable and fun.”

Of course, once you’re dumber, like a majority of the rest of the world, you’ll suddenly find yourself racist, sexist and homophobic, but it won’t bother you. You’ll fit right in with all those people who used to annoy you.

“The world’s a much brighter place when you’re not too bright for it,” Groupe explains.

What a concept. Except it’s been explored before. Remember the movie “Idiocracy?” If you haven’t seen it, you definitely should. Basically, average Joe involved in hibernation experiment with Pentagon wakes up 500 years in the future to find he’s the most intelligent person alive. Seriously, the society he discovers is like a “Best of Jerry Springer” episode meets Wal-Mart on welfare check day.

“Unaware of what year it was, Joe wandered the streets desperate for help,” the narrator of the movie explains. “But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valleygirl, inner-city slang and various grunts. Joe was able to understand them, but when he spoke in an ordinary voice he sounded pompous and faggy to them.”

How did everyone get so stupid? Well, according to the movie, the greatest minds and resources of our time focused on conquering hair loss and erectile dysfunctions instead of more worthwhile tasks like genetic engineering. “Natural selection, the process by which the strongest, the smartest, the fastest, reproduced in greater numbers than the rest, a process which had once favored the noblest traits of man, now began to favor different traits. Most science fiction of the day predicted a future that was more civilized and more intelligent. But as time went on, things seemed to be heading in the opposite direction. A dumbing down. How did this happen? Evolution does not necessarily reward intelligence. With no natural predators to thin the herd, it began to simply reward those who reproduced the most, and left the intelligent to become an endangered species.”

And you know what? That movie may be totally crazy, but people are getting dumber all the time. Let’s not take a pill to dumb ourselves down (even though it’s a joke), let’s do something about the idiots. Let’s get back to survival of the fittest. Stop giving them handouts. If they aren’t smart enough to make it on their own, let their kind dwindle into oblivion. Otherwise they may overtake the bright minds and the future of mankind could be a bunch of… idiots.