I realize that I’m in the minority here, but I’m not a big fan of texting. It’s great when I need to either give or receive a small amount of information, but in general, I think people rely on it way too much. It’s not going away, though, at least not until someone comes up with some new way to depersonalize human interaction even more. But in the meantime, let’s agree to a few basic rules, okay?

RULE #1: KEEP IT SHORT

You’re not writing a fucking novel. Texting should be about giving or receiving small pieces of information. It shouldn’t be a substitute for an actual conversation. When you have to fill up my iPhone’s screen three times with your goddamn texts, it comes off as cowardly and effeminate. It feels like you either don’t want to hear what I have to say or you’re afraid of my response.

RULE #2: DON’T GET INTO A TEXT ARGUMENT

Especially with a woman. Arguing via text is just pointless. There’s no way to win because you have as long as you want to think up your responses and so do they. If someone tries to bait you into having a fight via text, the best thing to do is ignore them. If they’re mad enough, eventually they’ll call you and you’ll be in the stronger position. Plus, texting is a step removed from reality, so there’s a chance you might forget that and say something you’ll regret later.

RULE #3: ALWAYS TEXT ALONE

If you’re involved in an actual face-to-face conversation with someone, keep your phone in your goddamn pocket. I once got up and left what was supposed to be a business meeting because the fucker I was talking to kept texting with someone. He was completely baffled why I was calling it off, too. Look, douche bag. I don’t give a shit how great of a multi-tasker you think you are. If you can’t do me the common courtesy of looking me in the eye when I’m talking to you, I have no use for you.

RULE #4: SPEAK ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER

I don’t want to have to try and decipher your inscrutable bullshit, okay? Vowels and punctuation set us apart from the animals. Yeah, it might take you five seconds longer to type out what you want to say, but it takes me thirty seconds less to figure out what you mean and it keeps you from looking like a goddamn idiot. This shit is fine when you’re in high school, but in the real world, it will not help you get ahead. That’s a promise.

RULE #5: NO SEXTING

If she wants to do it, fine. Just keep your part limited to shit like “Oh really?” and “Then what?” It’s just a ridiculous practice. You should really never do shit like this in writing—there’s no deniability. Remember that texts never go away. That shit will be on your phone forever, so when you say something stupid, it’s going to be real hard to forget it.

These rules shouldn’t be hard to live by. I honestly don’t think I’m asking for too much here. If your mama raised you right, you should know these things are just about common courtesy and proper presentation. Use your head before you use your thumbs and we’ll all get along just fine.

[Image via Flickr/jsmjr]