The animal kingdom can be a very harsh and competitive place. With some species, like lions, wolves and gorillas, males are forced to fight each other in these hardcore knock-down-drag-outs, often to the death, over the coveted title of “alpha male.” When the dust settles and a battered and bloody victor emerges, the females flock to him, lick his wounds and give him all the wolf, lioness and gorilla tail he can handle. It’s good to be the king.

See, this is nature’s way of making sure that the offspring are as strong as possible and therefore more likely to survive in the harshness of the wild. It’s bad-asses fathering bad-asses fathering bad-asses on down the line. Of course, the cruel joke here is that even the alpha male gets taken down eventually, usually by one of the very bad-ass offspring he won the right to create. So even the guy who spends his life at the top of the food chain dies in humiliation and defeat at the hands (or paws, I guess) of his own child. Nice little “fuck you,” there.

Well, luckily, we’re not lions, wolves or gorillas. The human animal operates within a much more complex social structure and possesses the abilities to think, reason and empathize, so we’re not all about killing the shit out of each other over the right to get laid…well, most of the time, anyway. But evolution only gets you so far, and there is a little animal instinct left in all of us that drives a lot of our decisions and behaviors, most notably the fact that men still want to be alphas and women still want to be with them.

But let’s take a second to define what an alpha male is in the modern human context. And I think the best way to do that is by first defining what it’s not. For one thing, it’s not that asshole at the end of the bar with the spray-tan and the gold chain who claims he can beat anyone up and is more than happy to prove it. That shit might fly among the gorillas (or in Panama City), but it’s not what earns you the respect of men and the adoration of women in a civilized society. Neither does being a cocky douche who’s always running his mouth about how great he is and how much money he makes. Those guys aren’t alphas. We know it and they know it, too. What they’re doing with all their bullshit posturing is proving to the world just how beta they really are.

A true alpha male has nothing to prove. He doesn’t pick fights—hell, he doesn’t even have to win them. He just doesn’t back down from them. And he doesn’t brag about all his conquests or flaunt his cash. Sure, big money comes with big success, and alpha males are usually very successful, but boasting—even when it’s true—always comes off as trying to hard, and again, that’s not what alphas do. I mean okay, if we’re being completely honest here, yes, throwing money around can attract women. But it won’t attract quality women, and quality women are all a real alpha male is interested in. And that’s what it’s really all about, isn’t it? The cream rises to the top. Like attracts like. Quality and strength attract quality and strength. We all want the best for ourselves and that includes our partner.

It’s really very simple. An alpha is a leader. And all of us—men and women alike—are drawn to strong leadership. And at the root of leadership is… say it with me… confidence. Confidence is key. Hell, it’s everything. As corny as it may sound, believing in yourself is all it takes to get every little thing your sick and twisted heart desires, and that includes the attention of the fairer sex. If you have that kind of inner strength, it will show and you won’t have to resort to overcompensating for your shortcomings to make yourself seem more attractive.

So even if you’re not an alpha male, you can become one if you really want it. You just have to tap in to whatever it is that inspires confidence in yourself. What do you do best? If it’s pumping iron or making money, fine. If it’s playing guitar or making sculptures, even better. Whatever it takes. Find your confidence and walk around leading with your chin. Just be a leader—a real leader—and the rest of the world will follow.